Top 4 Cartoon Themes From My Childhood
It’s an article in a half-shell, baby.
#4 – GI Joe
GI Joe, baby. I had three obsessions when I was a child; Ninjas, GI Joe, and Mortal Kombat. One of my fondest memories as a kid was when my mom mail-ordered the super-hard to get secret figures of Qwick-Kick & Jinx. QK was a martial artist, and Jinx was a female ninja in red. They were hard as hell to get, and the people at Hasbro ended up sending the figures to Austin, TX for half a year, until they FINALLY came to my place, and I truly knew what it was like to live. The theme song was something everyone my age knew, and still do. You wanna know where GI Joe is? Land? Check. Sea? Check. Air? Twice on Sunday, baby. You’d see the Joe’s come running over the hill, with their guns a blazing. Guns that some how managed to never hit anyone. Hell, the only time anyone was ever hit with a projectile was when Serpentor hit Duke in the chest with a snake. A million bullets are shot, no one is hit. But a guy throws a snake and bulls-eye? That’s a story carved out of awesome, baby. Yo Joe indeed.
The song itself, it’s just an awesome tune that got you revved up to see Sgt. Slaughter in all his VERY generously drawn form, and see Cobra Commander act like an old Jewish woman. Something I really liked that they don’t do anymore, was the narration. You had the lyrics and such, but then you had a dude come in and just speak, telling you that GI Joe was something special, and that the dudes were so burly that they showered with sand blasters.
#3 – Captain Planet
I had the ring. I had the action figures. I had it all, baby. I seriously haven’t seen the show, or even heard the theme song in 20 years, and I can still sing the whole song front to back. That’s how damn catchy it was.
It was the early 90’s, and everyone was all about saving the World. Recycling, planting trees, creating compost heaps, however they all paled in comparison to the last bastion of hope for our planet, the very Captain of it, Captain Planet! You see, when all the people of the World combined their powers [Earth, Wind, Water, Fire, Heart, Tits] they summoned the man who gets his hair cut with Ivan Drago, Captain Planet. He was able to fly, and he busted toxic waste salesmen right in the mush, before Guile back+forward+punch Sonic Booming non-hybrid owners in half.
The theme song told you everything you needed to know. You knew what powers it took to bring around CP, you knew who the Planteers were, and that you too could become one. You learned that pollution was not the way, and eagerly awaited to hear what CP had to say.
#2 – Denver The Last Dinosaur
You know, as a child I learned that most dinosaurs are stick in the mud pussies who can’t bust ass with a guitar. While other kids touted Jurassic Park and constantly ran their idiotic mouths about how bad-ass the T-Rex & Velociraptors were, I only had to ask if said dinosaurs wore sunglasses and hit sweet licks on the axe; invariably, the answer was always no. Thus I knew that Denver, the LAST dinosaur would take any other reptiles’ girlfriends, and head-butt them back to the ice age.
This is not only the 2nd greatest cartoon theme ever, but one of the catchiest tunes you’re ever going to hear. We’re taught that Denver is of course, the last dinosaur, and he’s about to show us a World we never knew before. Now, flat out being told this would be stupid & ridiculous, but when said information is being laid out over a hot bed of sweet keyboard licks and crunching guitar, you quickly realize that he’s your friend and a whole lot more.
#1 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Do I even really need to say why? I mean, c’mon. It wasn’t just the song either, the video that went with it was fantastic. The turtles were all grimace and serious, ready to beat some ass. They straight up attack the Techno-Drome!
One time I was in a parking lot with my friends, because one of them had a truck that they were trying to fix outside of the automotive store. So, one of my friends tries to tell me that it’s “turtles in a half-shell, turtle power!”. I kept telling him no, it’s HEROES in a half-shell. Why would they say turtles in a half-shell? That’s a given. That’d be like saying [to the tune of the turtles] “man & woman sex with a boner!”. I mean, the boner is obvious. So, he fights me on this, and I started taking polls of people who came out of the store, goddamn if a ton of people didn’t say “turtles”. Well, guess who was right? As always, baby.
For those who don’t know, the guys who came up with the turtles created them one night while drunk. Thus why I always make sure to drink 15 beers before I work. Or even if I’m not working, just in case.