Saved By The Bell Archives – Rockumentary

As a kid, when this episode first aired, it was a bit of a shock. At first you’re thinking;
‘Wait, when did all this happen?!’ then ‘where can I get the CD?! a concert!?!”.
Now as an adult, I think;
“Zack would look more realistic playing that guitar if he were running it over with a monster truck”. I mean, they seriously couldn’t take 10 minutes to make him at least look like he had some idea of what the fuck he was doing?

So, Casey Casem is introducing us. Lisa is on bass, Kelly is the lead singer, Slater on the drums, and Screech is Pope John Paul. He’s dressed as a pedophile for no discernible reason. Again, this is an episode that’s Jessie-less, so we’re left to assume she fell victim to the rock n roll lifestyle, she either died of drugs, or slept with some under-age fan and is in jail, Chuck Berry style.

We flash back to see them playing a Slayer cover, Friends Forever. Seriously, Zack’s guitar playing is so bad. Screech could be strumming his keyboard and it’d look more realistic than how Zack plays the axe.

Zack of course wrote their hit. Because he’s like the original Caliber Winfield, capable of doing everything, and anything, all while being gorgeous. So, as the story goes, a music producer was jogging by his house and heard them. He managed the Beach Buddies until they weren’t Buddies anymore, thus he needs a new group. I’m a musician, and I can’t tell you how many times I had Dre doing push-ups outside of my house, or Rick Rubin rockin’ his P90X in my drive-way and by chance heard me jamming. So, we’re now going through Zack Attack’s rise to the top, where we found out everyone is capable of singing very well. As a kid, I LOVED their song “Did We Ever Have A Chance”. Honestly, it’s still not bad. Man, I can’t believe they agreed to let the band be named Zack Attack. We get it. Zack is the star of the show. They might as well have called the band “Zack Has A Big Dick And Does Tons of Chicks And Bench Presses A Car And Beat Mike Tyson With Just His Face”.

Now, at this point the evil manager Mindy has been introduced in the group. She starts putting the focus on Zack, and the rest of ZACK ATTACK doesn’t like this. The group of ZACK ATTACK where ZACK is the LEAD SINGER AND SONG WRITER in ZACK ATTACK aren’t happy that he’s being made out as the star of the band. We now see them winning a Grammy from Michael Jackson & Madonna. The cracks start showing in the groups dynamic as in his acceptance speech, Zack says “I’d like to thank everyone for listening to MY music”. How dare he! He only wrote them, and has his name in the title of the band. How could he think it’s his music?

Seriously, I’m surprised the band isn’t wearing Zack masks, and then getting REALLY annoyed when Mindy starts focusing on Zack. Lisa comes in to show some new designs, but Mindy says no go. They’ve got Bob Mackie doing the work. I’m shocked she’s upset, because I’m sure before Zack was creating the outfits. Mindy really shows how evil she is by stating that she’s going to make just Zack a star, and that he doesn’t need the rest of the band because they’re just background singers. How dare she say that about the rest of the band in ZACK ATTACK who didn’t write any of the songs and just sing back-up. Viscous bitch.

Zack comes in with a new song he wrote, and they’re pissed. How dare he write a new song when before only he would write the songs. So, Slater, Screech & Kelly try out a song they wrote. Again, another Slayer cover. The band goes through Zack’s new tune, and they hate it. It doesn’t have the edge that Friends Forever had. Not to mention, before Zack wrote all the songs, and now it’s Zack writing all the songs. The band is officially breaking-up, as Zack leaves right before a big show. He doesn’t like the fact that the band says he’s a glory hog. They let him call the band after him, and write all the songs. How could he develop this sudden thing?

The band breaks up, and goes their separate ways. Screech visits the high-geek, and learns the secret to happiness. Beach and cheerleader. Slater is a race car driver. Zack is a star, but not the kind he wanted to be. He looks like Vanilla Ice, with a jacket that looks like The Incredible Hulk was skinned to make it. If the Incredible Hulk were played by Elton John. Slater’s been in an accident, and this brings everyone together. Lisa is part of US Gladiators, and Kelly is an actress. Zack comes in to the room, and they all become friends again by chanting friends.

So, the band is back together, and Zack’s no longer a glory hog. Just the lead-singer/song-writer in a band named after him. Goddamn, seriously, people would find me playing a T-Rex in a new Jurassic Park film more acceptable and believable than Zack’s guitar playing. And I’d even be wearing the Hulk Smash’em Hands while playing the T-Rex.

Of course, as the reunion show ends, we find out it was all dream, as Zack is sleeping in the garage. Still no Jessie, so again, either drugs or statutory rape.


~ by Caliber Winfield on August 16, 2012.

One Response to “Saved By The Bell Archives – Rockumentary”

  1. Great column John, had me laughing the whole way.

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