4 Of The Worst Instances Of TV Censorship

Before we get to the article, I just want to talk about how asinine TV/film censorship is in the first place. Back in the 30’s, they cut a line from Frankenstein where the good Dr. says he knows what it’s like to be God. Back then, that was just too crazy. Then in the 80’s, thanks to Regan, the way he shaped America, and things like the PMRC, horror films became one of the biggest catalyst for our youth to find themselves at the doorstep of debauchery & mayhem. So, the MPAA board hacked most horror films to absolute death. Then today you’ve got things passing for an R that could have had to be rated X back in the day. So, what this basically says is that censorship is pointless. We end up changing our minds in the future anyways, and deciding that this or that is no longer “that bad”. Mean while, pieces of art are being butchered by people who push their own thoughts & beliefs into things that they have no real concern for.

The same goes for TV. In the 50’s they couldn’t use the word “pregnant” on I Love Lucy, but now shows in prime time can throw around goddamn & shit as much as they please. Things are going to constantly be pushed, and eventually accepted. Canadian TV is completely uncensored, and shockingly the country hasn’t burnt down in the middle of the night. Another thing that’s complete inane is how the top of a woman’s buttcrack has to be blurred out, yet we can show the rockin’ double D titties of some fat guy from the Biggest Loser. What’s more visually repugnant? A chick’s ass, or a dudes massive, hairy nipple? I mean, after seeing something like that, I can barely jack-off that night.

So, let’s take a trip down memory lane as we learn about TV’s crusade to save us, and some of it’s finest examples.

Goodfellas, Casino, The Departed

When watching Casino, or Goodfellas on TV, it’s apparent that the greatest insult you can deal to one person is that the hope that they are forgotten. That they’re no longer remembered. Any time Pesci or DeNiro would get fired off, they’d spout off with a “forget you!”. Then, dare say that didn’t hurt someone’s feelings, you’d have to pull out both of your big-guns and fire off with a “you motherlover!”. Truly drawing gasps from everyone who was around to hear the personification of rage and verbal vitriol.

But then again, their rage could come from the fact they’re all wearing bullskin. At least that’s what I think they’re talking about, because just as often as they’re forgetting someone they’re talking about their bullshirt.

To anyone who endorses this kind of censorship, I say go forget yourself.

The Big Lebowski

Do you know what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? If you’ve only seen The Big Lebowski on basic cable then you have no idea what the answer is. You do however know what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps. That’s right. You’re hiking up in the Alps, having the time of your life when you all of a sudden come across a stranger. You guys might strike up a convo, you may just pass by with a nod & a smile. Either way, he’s going to absolutely bash the hell out of your neighbors car. Because that’s what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps.

I’m dying to know how this all worked out. There had to be a couple of guys in the edit bay discussing it. “Should we just cut out “fuck”?”, “What? Are you kidding me? You know how dumb that’ll sound? No, we’re better than that. We’re TNT. We’re about quality & integrity.”

Man, having that job would be awesome. You’d be watching some Anne Hathaway film for a second, to get a look at her boobies, and you’d wonder why on Earth her voice isn’t matching her mouth, and why she’s talking about some guy named Caliber Winfield’s dick.

I seemed to get off track there. Anyway, in the film, Walter goes nuts on a man whom he believes is his target, and keeps yelling about what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass. But then again, now we know that if you fuck a stranger in the ass, or find a stranger in the alps, the inevitable consequences will be the same.

ORIGINAL:

TV EDIT:


Bulletproof

We all know that for a man, there’s nothing worse than being forced to sing & dance for another dude.

In the underrated classic Bulletproof, Adam Sandler is a car thief named Archie Moses who’s best friends with fellow thief Rock Keetz. Well, Archie’s been making some money on the side of their car stealing operation, and he decides to let Keetz in on it. So as Archie is having Keetz meet the big man, Colton, played by James Caan, he’s told to search him because Colton doesn’t trust him. Archie then makes a major proclamation that if Keetz is a cop, he’ll sing & dance. So, you can imagine Archie is praying Keetz isn’t a cop, because who wants to get up and have to sing & dance? No self-respecting man, of course. It’s a fate worse than death.

Later, a big drug-trade goes wrong, and Colton blames Archie due to the fact Keetz was a cop. Well, it’s a little weird, because he mentions Archie’s promise regarding Keetz being a cop, and then has Archie get on his knees and tells him to enjoy his last meal. What? If you want a guy to sing & dance, you want him on his feet, and you don’t want him sluggish from a big meal. So, you can see right there such foolishness. Later at the end of the film, Archie gets some payback on Colton for “trying to make me sing & dance”. Perfectly understandable. I mean, I’ve heard of tons of guys in prison who damn near kill, or do in fact kill guys who have tried to make them sing & dance. Like I said, no male wants to do that. Hell, I’d rather suck a dick.


Die Hard 2

In the pantheon of action films there are many facets that have to meet quality standards in order for it to bust someone right in the mush. On of them, is a rockin’ catchphrase. Our hero, John McClane, has one of the more well known & classic catchphrases.

In Die Hard 2, it’s Christmas time again and John is chilling in an airport. He notices some no-good-knicks up to no good, or perhaps they’re not, whatever, because he’s got the 12 days of Christmas for’em. A 12 round clip, that is! Now, he’s out to dispatch these baddies and pick up his wife because he has a rockin’ Die Hard-On. When you’re as bad-ass as John McClane, you don’t ‘get’ boners. Because to ‘get’ a boner, would imply that at one point you didn’t have one.

So, much like when your stupid girlfriend has people over and you want to watch G Is For Gianna in the living room, uninterrupted, what do you do to a plane full of terrorists? You blow’em the hell up. So, as is customary in each case, before you deal the death blow you give’em the catchphrase. McClane gets all cocky and lets’em have it.

Yippie-Kai-Yay, Mr. Falcon!

Who the hell is Mr. Falcon? There’s no Mr. Falcon on the terrorists’ plane manifest. I mean, there’s nothing even close. How the HELL could they justify this? I’m dying to know. Not to mention the guy who says “Mr. Falcon” isn’t even close to sounding like Bruce Willis. Plus, it sounds like it was recorded with a motherfalcon sofa.

ORIGINAL:

TV EDIT:

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~ by Caliber Winfield on September 14, 2012.

2 Responses to “4 Of The Worst Instances Of TV Censorship”

  1. I would add Boondock Saints to the top of this list. SpikeTV just butchered the entire film or that could be an article all on its own.

    I have always laughed at the Mr. Falcon dub more than most I can remember. You do know that Mr. Falcon or at least the guy flying the plane is Franco Nero. Franco Nero who is the original Django.

  2. Really? Well, you may know him as the original Django, but he’ll always be Cole from Enter The Ninja to me.

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