Monday Nitro – April 17th, 2000 – Caliber
The first thing we learn is that the Millionaires Club is banned from the building. I trust that we won’t see hide nor hair of any MC member. To be honest, I’m shocked that they aren’t already in the building. Hell, I’m surprised that the MC didn’t make the announcement.
So, we’re one day removed from Spring Stampede 2000, and the New Blood is looking to party. Of course, a real party with the New Blood involves everyone trying to figure out a way to help Scott Steiner with yet another date-rape charge. Anyway, the gang hits the ring as red balloons fall from the ceiling, and the instrumental of New York, New York plays. Which makes perfect sense, since WCW is based in Atlanta, and WWE is based in New York. Even if this show takes place in New York, it’s still stupid. I feel like the New Blood should be called “cut the damn music” because it’s all most of’em every say. After that, Russo goes on with one hell of a boring promo, where he mentions the WWE only 3 times. He praises Jeff Jarrett, and it’s announced that a contract to face Double J will be hanging in the back, and whoever wants to sign their name, can. At this point, Bischoff comes out with Kimberly. As per usual, he’s more or less acting like he’s fucking her. Kimberly finely gives the reason as to why she turned her back on DDP, and it’s because she turned her back on DDP, so take that. Now, DDP shows up, and he’s informed that he’s not allowed in the building. So naturally, he gets in the building. The riot guards surrounding the ring allow him to enter, and start throwing fists. Just as he starts to get his ass kicked, the riot guards reveal that they’re MC members. 10 minutes, and the group that was not allowed in the building, at all, is dead center in the middle of the building. I really wish WCW was around and said that my punishment was that I was in no way to become rich, and bang Kat Dennings.
Sean “The Perfect One” Stasiak vs Curt Hennig
I don’t understand why Stasiak has Curt’s theme music. It’s like WCW having had Real American all this time and giving it to Chavo. Regardless, the match certainly isn’t much. They take this match to remind us about how lax WCW is going to be on DQ, so we can get definitive winners. Again, if only there were a way for them to control the outcomes.
Stasiak defeats Hennig with the Perfect Plant in about 3:00 – 1/2 *
Stasiak keeps on beating Hennig, so Hogan makes the save. Again, I’m surprised because the MC isn’t allowed in the building. I’d also imagine that MC members dressed like they’re from the game Pit Fighter are especially not allowed.
Terry Funk [C] vs. The Wall – WCW Hardcore Championship
Much to my shock, this match is probably the best match I’ve seen on a Nitro during this ENTIRE run. Funk, in his middle 50’s, is able to take a shitty, ‘getting-pushed-because-I’m-big’ wrestler, and turn out quite a little bout. They go from trading weapons, to piledrivers on tables, smashing heads into doors, and breaking tables. It’s weird, Funk was getting his ass beat left & right, and The Wall was indestructible. Of course, that’s all forgotten.
Terry Funk breaks a table over The Wall’s body and scores the pin in 8 minutes – **1/2
Someone signs the contract, but who?
Kronik speaks to Russo, and they say they want their title shot for their work from the previous night. He says you’ll get it, just not tonight.
Harris Brothers Kronik
Kronik beats up the Harris Brothers before hand, then go out to the ring and get into a round of fistacuffs with the Mamalukes. It’s not an actual match, it’s just a beating. They get on the mic and tell Russo they are displeased with their current arrangement.
Vampiro comes out to tell Sting that his number is up. That Sting doesn’t know pain, but Vamp is going to show him wh—Sting shows up and beats Vampiro worse than I’ve ever seen him beat anyone. So, since Vampiro is the heel, this is really making me anticipate their match at Slamboree.
Jarrett is upset at said person who signed the contract, and asks Russo to talk the person out of it. Russo tries, it’s no go.
DDP vs. Mike Awesome
Madden says that DDP must hate Mike Awesome because he’s happily married. Well, give that about 7 years. Mike gets a bit aggressive, and the announcers talk up the lax DQ rule, so we get clear cut winners. He brings up a table, which prompts them to talk about the lax-DQ rule, and that no one tuned in to see a DQ. Kanyon shows up, and the ref draws the DQ. Right on. So, Kanyon gets his ass kicked, but then Nash shows up to Jackknife Awesome through a table.
Mike wins via DQ at around 4 minutes – *
Tank Abbot comes out and continues his tirade from last week. He’s here to beat up another innocent until Goldberg answers his challenge. You know, this is actually a cool angle, but WCW will no doubt fuck it up, and neither Tank nor Goldberg are even close to having the talent to pull of a half decent match. He chooses the owner of a hockey team that’s sitting ringside.
Hogan is trying to track down Kidman and finally does. He locks him in a dumpster, and proceeds to smash it with a white Humvee. What is Russo’s obsession with cars and smashing things? Was he molested by a monster truck when he was younger?
Lex Luger vs. Shane Douglas
The match is about as you’d expect, but with one highlight. Buff comes out for no reason. However, he doesn’t just saunter out. No, he comes out with full music AND pyro. Then just stands there. Naturally, Buff causes a DQ. Which I find shocking, what with the lax-DQ rule. Again, if only they could control the outcome of the match.
Lex wins via DQ at about 3 minutes – DUD
A guy comes in dressed as Sting to make the save, and reveals himself to be Ric Flair. I don’t get that, at all. It’s like if someone needed my helping my friend move, then I show up in a mask, only to reveal it’s me. What the hell.
Jeff Jarrett [C] vs Scott Steiner – WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match
The mystery man is Scott Steiner, and the two champions get it on. All of this goes for a whopping 3 minutes or so before, and I swear, I almost had a stroke this was so shocking; Booker shows up, kicks Steiner in the head as he has Jeff in the Recliner, and gets Jeff DQ’ed. It’s been said before, but it needs to be said again, RUSSO IS A FUCKING MORON. The damn announcers wouldn’t shut up about the lax-DQ rule, and we got THREE DQ’S IN A ROW! You know, here’s a tip, the matches are pre-determined! They don’t need this stupid ‘lax-DQ’ bullshit, they just need to write the matches with clean endings! An absolute shock that TNA is the best it’s ever been now that Russo is finally gone and writing The Big Bang Theory.
Booker hicks Steiner, DQ’ing Jeff – DUD
Since he’s dispatched Kidman, Hogan has trapped Bischoff in the center of the ring. Bret Hart comes out to watch his back, and make sure no shenanigans go on. Of course, like clock work, he turns on Hogan as the show goes off the air. I then wonder if eating my labtop would guarantee a suicide.
Showcase Showdown: Another fantastic blunder in a line of many. Even when revamping the show, and trying to get the new guys over, WCW proves it’s ineptitude once again. The Millionaire’s Club is getting more & more over, because they’re over coming odds at times and being screwed at others, thus proving they can get the job done if they aren’t being screwed. It should be the other way around, and any person with half a fucking brain or ANY simple know how would know that. If Russo wrote a show like Law & Order: SVU, the episode would have a victim that WASN’T special, then the rest of it would be about one of the cops turning on his family & fellow officers and revealing he’s actually a vampire with the ability to twist reality and that none of this really happened and it’s actually an episode of Flavor of Love.