The Only Review of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter & Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines That You’ll Ever Need

 

June 22nd, 2012
Rotten Tomatoes:  35%

If there was ever a movie made for 3D, then ALVH is it. That’s the biggest thing that stood out to me, the absolutely gorgeous, and incredible visuals. From late night battles on the docks, to running with a stampede of horses and a climatic battle on a runaway train full of the undead, this movie is packed with incredible scenes. For both aesthetic & intellectual reasons.

As the story goes, Abe Lincoln saw his mother killed while he was a child, and vowed revenge. While attempting to take it some years down the road, he discovers that vampires are real. Losing his chance to extract revenge, he almost loses his life in the process. Thankfully he’s saved by a stranger who wises him up to what’s going on, and this prompts Abe to demand he be trained in the same abilities his new found friend has. A deal is made;  he’ll train Abe, if he promises to listen to him and only dispose of the vampires he’s sent after.

Moving along, we follow Abe through the years, his real life paralleling with that of his secret one. Marriage,  family, becoming a lawyer and then President. Every era of his life framed with fantastic scenery & atmosphere, literally popping off the screen.

I tend to keep my movie reviews short, because I never read the extremely long ones, and just prefer a summary. So with that, I’ll simply state that the actors do their jobs well, with everyone more than believable. The effects were awesome, and although they went a little heavier on the CGI than I would have liked, they used it properly.

All in all, it’s a fun film that gives you exactly what you expect.

3 & 3/4th Head-Butts out of 5

October 23rd, 2012
Rotten Tomatoes: No rating

THIS.MOVIE.FUCKING.SUCKS.

I really wish I could just leave it at that.

The original Wrong Turn is a damn fine slasher film, and the start of a fantastic franchise. The sequel, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End is a masterpiece. It’s fantastic. Packed with practical, awesome effects, plenty of creative & awesome deaths, and Henry Rollins being pissed off. So, when the 3rd one rolled around, I was damn excited to see where they’d go with it. Where they went with it, was Suck A Bag Of Tits Town.  Then the 4th one arrived, and I’d hoped that part 3 was just a short-lived blemish. Nope. Part 4 was absolutely terrible, containing one of the stupidest moments in horror history. You can read my review for that here . Well, like a person in an abusive relationship, I just keep hoping they’ll change. However, the man who directed part 3 & 4 has returned to deliver his Return of the Jedi in the absolute shit storm of his God-awful Wrong Turn trilogy.

You get David Bradley as the normal looking old man who looks after the hillbillies. For those who don’t know, he played Pinhead in the Hellraiser series. Other than that, you have a cast of pretty weak actors who could perhaps give better performances if they weren’t lugged down with absolute shit dialogue.

There’s so much to complain about that I could write a series of articles, but this film doesn’t deserve it. The characters are mind-blowingly stupid. At one point they’re literally held up in a police station, with each person of the 4 there having a shot gun. They know the baddies are coming for them. Baddies who don’t have guns, might I mention. They say they need to stick together, and then IMMEDIATELY they break apart and go their separate ways.

So of course the mountain men pick them off with lame kills, and weak effects. They do the most mundane, and boring kills because you can tell that they didn’t have the budget, or they just weren’t creative for shit.

There’s no likeable characters, the kills are weak and uninteresting, and the bad-guys win with over-whelming fashion. I mean, the bad guys hardly even get hurt during this entire film. Although honestly it doesn’t really matter, because you’re not invested in anyone enough to want to see the bad-guys get their dues. Also, might I add, the make-up effects are hands down the worst in this entry.

Man, I need to go watch part 2 and wash my pallet of this horrible dreck.

1 Head-Butt out of 5

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~ by Caliber Winfield on October 26, 2012.

2 Responses to “The Only Review of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter & Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines That You’ll Ever Need”

  1. Good review Caliber. I saw “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” when it came out and I think it’s a pretty good modern day throwback to the awesome 80’s B-movies and I’m pretty amazed it got so many bad reviews. Like Job Bob Briggs once said “People just have no taste in the fine arts of horror anymore” but then I have to remember these are the same people who regularly praise “Two And A Half Men” so these stuffy, uptight critics clearly have no taste period.

    And to make a correction, the old guy in “Wrong Turn 5” is actually Doug Bradley. David Bradley is the actor who replaced Michael Dudikoff in the “American Ninja” series including the godawful “American Ninja 5”.
    He’s also been in several straight-to-video B-movies such as “Hard Justice”, “Cyborg Soldier” and “American Samurai”.

    • Haha, did I write David Bradley? My bad. I’ll have to go fix that.

      I remember as a kid seeing the cover of American Ninja 4: The Annihilation and just about losing my mind. I mean, Joe, AND Shawn, in one film? What more could I have ever asked for?

      It wasn’t until I was in my early 20’s that I discovered American Ninja 5, and man what a crap fest was that. I mean, they have David Bradley, who was clearly Shawn from AN3, and AN4, and yet they call him Joe?! Who was Dudikoff’s character in AN1, 2, and 4. Holy hell was that insulting.

      American Samurai was actually half decent. It was made during the early 90’s when films like Best of the Best 2, Lionheart, and AS were showing us what the rich did on the weekends; they got dressed up, went to underground clubs and watched people fight to the death.

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