Minute Man Reviews – Last Stand, Bullet To The Head, Taken 2, Die Hard 5

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Last_Stand_2013The Last Stand opened up on January 18th, and over the weekend it debuted at #9. I honestly felt like someone had insulted a friend of mine. How on Earth can Arnold not pack’em into the theaters anymore? Especially with such an easy piece of film that promises nothing but one-liners and baddies eating bullets. I guess the rest of the World wasn’t waiting with bated breath for Arnold’s return to the big-screen.  But that’s because they’re idiots.

The Last Stand is fucking great. Arnold may be older, but he isn’t any less of a bad-ass. From jumping off a roof and blasting a dude in the head mid-fall, to power-bombing a guy, he never lets you down and reminds you of why he was the King of Action for so many years. The movie doesn’t take long to get going, and once it does you get car chases, shoot-outs, rocket launchers, tons of dead no-goodknicks, fights, all while Arnold sits in the middle of it, kicking everyone’s ass. Great movie.

4 & 1/4 Head-Butts out of 5

Bullet_to_the_Head_PosterI’ve been looking forward to this one for over a year. It was suppose to come out in April of 2012, but for some reason it was pushed back.  Now, again, the people of America let me down, because Bullet to the Head was the weakest opening Stallone has had in 32 years. Bastards.

The film is about a hitman [Stallone] & a cop who are out to capture the same guy, but for different reasons. Stallone is awesome, as always, but I just can’t dig the cop. He seems like a real bitch, and his chemistry just isn’t there with Sly. No surprise that the best scenes in the film are when Stallone is inserting his foot in any orifice he can find, up to and including ones he makes himself. We get explosions, gun fights, drinking, and all things burly. Hell of a fight in the end that involves axes, which I’m sure in real life Stallone uses to fence while other sisses use those stupid wire-swords.

3 & 3/4 Head-Butts out of 5

220px-Taken_2_PosterI consider the original Taken to be one of the greatest action films ever. Luc Besson, the guy behind it all is the greatest thing action films have going for it today. He’s created The Transporter series, Kiss of the Dragon, With Love From Paris, Unleashed, and the Taken series.

Taken 2 is about the friends & family of the traffickers from the first one who want revenge for the slaughter of their innocent children. You have a child, you raise him right. Try and teach him values, the difference between right & wrong. Then one day some guy comes along, mad because you’ve kidnapped his teenage daughter and sold her into sex slavery, and kills them. So, they feel that he needs to be taught a lesson, and he feels the need to kill every last one of them and then apologize. Except without the apology.

Taken 2 gives you exactly what you expect, and never tries to do anything different. We get some great chase scenes, lots of people die, and Liam Neeson believing mercy to be a French word for fuck-off.

4 Head Butts out of 5

A_Good_Day_to_Die_HardWell, here it is. Die Hard, the greatest franchise in action movie history has arrived with it’s 4th sequel, and people are pissing all over it. Does it actually suck? Can John McClane have an adventure that truly blows?

Hell no.

Whenever you have a sequel to a beloved series of movies that arrives quite a while after the originals end, people bitch. No matter what. It wouldn’t matter if they stopped after 2, and Die Hard With A Vengeance was the one recently released, people would still complain.  Most of the reviews I’ve read have people complaining about the fact that he doesn’t say “Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker”, when he says it clear as day near the end of the film. So how the fuck can you trust some idiot who misses something like that? The answer is you can’t. That’s why you come to Caliber.

Die Hard 5 is the worst of the series, I’ll say that. But that’s like saying you got 5 BJ’s from Phoenix Marie, and the 5th one was the worst of them. The relationship between John & his son Jack sucks. The chemistry wasn’t there, and neither was the story. They don’t explain exactly why they’re beefing, they just are. The villain is pretty decent for a while, and then, well, you’ll see. But, besides those blemishes the entire film is packed with action. We get one of the coolest car chases I’ve ever seen, followed by a shit-ton of shoot-outs, fights, explosions, and plenty of homage to the original. People are complaining for no reason than that’s what they do these days.

I’m sure we’ll get a different cut when DVD hits, and I can see that being an improved version like the unrated Live Free or Die Hard is over the PG-13 theatrical release.

A Good Day To Die Hard was a fine addition to the series, and anyone speaking against can suck it. Tadow.

4 Head-Butts out of 5

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~ by Caliber Winfield on February 26, 2013.

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