A Tribute To The Burliest Bad-Asses In 8-Bit

gotohell

There was a time when men were men. When they didn’t shave their chests, when they took responsibility for their actions, and grew beards so rugged they were often considered felonies.
During this time men were represented properly across all planes. In movies they were all ripped and ready to dispense as many one-liners as they were bullets. In the world of sports men were so jacked with testosterone they were setting off metal detectors at airports, and that doesn’t even make sense. Then we had video games. There were no soft-talking sissies who needed God-like powers to get by. There were no overly complex story-lines, or stupid cut scenes that made you feel like you were watching a movie. In the world of Nintendo, the only scenario you needed was that there were some people around. They may be bad, they may not. Who cares? It’s your job to judge indiscriminately with your fists and/or assault rifle.
Today, we take a look at and pay respect to the burly mentors of the 8-bit era. A time long forgotten with overly-complex cut-scenes and controllers with 36 buttons.

Contra-Cover
Just look at that cover! You got the first guy with a hair-cut you could set your watch to just blasting away into a sea of alien. Most guys would be screaming “AH! My ovaries! These aliens are causing me to menstruate early!”. Then you got the other guy who’s all “Huh? What’s that to my left?! Is it some aliens?! It’s not. Well, I better unload blindly at anything that fucking moves!”. See, and that’s what guys in video games don’t do anymore; act irrational. This day and age they ask questions, treat the situation with respect, and think before acting. Sure, that works if you want to fight the aliens with your vagina.

contraboss
Look at this never-ending well of awesomeness. Most guys today would come across something like this and start lactating tears. But these guys just threw on a pair of their absolute brightest pants and found out if he was allergic to automatic gun fire; he was.  Another thing about the old school bad-asses, is that you judged a book by it’s cover. See this alien here? He may have been up to nothing. Just hanging around. But if he looks menacing [or doesn’t, whatever] that’s reason enough to grab the Spread fire and let fucking loose.

baddudescover

Look at that cover. Now, honestly, you may need to look at it in intervals. Just a little at a time. When steroids became illegal they had to get rid of this game because guys who looked at it upfront would fail PED tests. Women, who were out shopping for their men would see this and BAM! they’re pregnant with six ninjas. Anyway, the cover. These Bad Dudes are facing off against some stiff competition. Chains, shiruken, sword wielding ninjas, and helicopters. If I’m the leader of the bad guys, and I hear there are some righteous dudes trying to ruin my shit, well I’d have to assess the situation. Do they have matching hair cuts? Check. OK, send the dude with the chain. Matching tank-tops? Check. Send the guy with the ninja stars. Pussy-getting names like Blade & Striker? Check. Send the ninjas. Matching fingerless workout gloves? Check. SHIT! Send the fucking helicopter! We’ve got some BAD DUDES! And that right there is why no one wants to fuck with Blade & Striker.

NES-bad-dudesDuke Nuke’Em apparently hands out the mission statements.

See, back when men were men, you didn’t need no psyche test bullshit, no resume, no letters of recommendation. The only qualification they cared about was whether or not you were a bad dude. That’s it. You’re not a bad dude? Then get the fuck out, you no-tank-top-wearing, chest-shaving, sissy-marie. Are you unsure if you’re a bad dude? Well, that right there tells you that you are in fact not. However, if you need to further evidence, study the photos below.

yourenotabadenoughdude

On your left you’ll see a couple of bad dudes. As you can clearly see they’re bombing down the freeway, fighting ninjas on top of a fucking semi. Look at that. Most people are complete pussies and are often seen not fighting anyone, let alone ninja, while flying down the freeway.
OK, now look to the photo on the right. It’s of you. Look at your shitty car, first of all. It looks like someone drew it in a paint program. So there you are, in your lame car, and not only are you not fighting anyone on-top or inside of it, but there are absolutely no confrontations going on. You’re driving down the freeway, being completely safe & responsible. Hell, you’re probably not even using the HOV lane because there’s only one person in your Nerd Mobile. You think if anyone needs a bad dude for a mission they’re gonna call the guy driving the speed limit? Hell no.

Kung Foo NES
You know some shit is going down when you’re kicking someone in the dick so fast that it causes those speed lines. Now, Thomas from Kung Fu is a bad-ass for a lot of reasons. Thomas’ girlfriend has been kidnapped, which seemed to happen like fucking crazy back in the day. Normally he wouldn’t give a shit, as he’d just slap on his Kung-Fu outfit and go snap himself up a bitch. However, he figured if he saved this girl than she’d have to give him anal. Brilliant bastard. Anyway, as he’s mobbing up the levels of the bad guy’s hideout, he’s busting ass on animals, midgets, insects, and whomever the hell gets in the way of his foot. Or doesn’t. Most guys would be all pussy and on the phone to PETA the second they saw they had to fight animals. But Thomas? He ain’t calling PETA, he’s calling FOOT, and your face is there to take the call!

He even had to fight Debo, from Friday.

He even had to fight Debo, from Friday.

Kungfuthedad
So, here’s the situation. Thomas is head-butting fans of Big Bang Theory, and there’s some kid being a fucking brat. Well, he knows that it isn’t the kid’s fault. It’s the parent’s. These jack-offs have kids they can’t afford, or don’t want to put 100%  into raising, so they can continue to be hip and cool. Thankfully the dad is near, so he can deliver a swift jump kick to his brain. No, I’m only kidding.

kickingkid
He knew the little shit was to blame as well and kicked him square in the eye-ball.
As you can see, the 8-bit era was paved with the bodies of sissies, as our burly heroes rode off on a monster truck created completely from endangered animals, looking to squeeze some 8-bit titties.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on March 30, 2013.

4 Responses to “A Tribute To The Burliest Bad-Asses In 8-Bit”

  1. Great stuff my friend! this is genius, the Contra stuff had me laughing, and the bad dude shit was even better! keep em coming!

    • Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.

      I’m not simply saying this to reciprocate your kindness, but you’ve got a sweet site yourself. It’s a damn shame that people have no idea about Spy vs Spy, because it was great. I’m really surprised the whole idea behind the game hasn’t been rehashed, because it was a lot of fun.

      I almost included Mike Tyson from Punch Out in the list, but I plan on giving that game it’s own article here in the near future, so I left him out.

  2. Hilarious post! Keep them coming!

  3. Damn good article.

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