Man Etiquette: Video Games
There are few things more important in the world of Man than video games. For one, without video games, how would you know where you stand amongst fellow man? Kids? A family? Financial security? That’s all trivial bullshit. Things that at the end of the day don’t mean anything. But beating your friend with a perfect in Street Fighter II Turbo Championship Edition? Or the Flawless Victory in Mortal Kombat? These are things that matter. Things that define a person, and hold up through-out history.
Now, as with everything in life, there’s the right way to do things, and the wrong way to do things. Here, under the guide of the Man Etiquette articles, I’m going to teach you the proper way to conduct yourself in life.
The Fighting Game:
The fighting game is the zenith of 2 player video games . The sole purpose for their existence is because woman complained that fighting to the death while rich people watched like in Best of the Best2 or Lionheart was barbaric. Now, like hell we’re gonna care about what a woman thinks, but they have a weapon that not only never runs out of ammo, but becomes more abundant the older they get: bitching.
So, in order to shut women the hell up, fighting games were created to give us an outlet for our rage.* As of today, there have been countless titles; Eternal Champions, Primal Rage, Killer Instinct, Virtua Fighter, Kasumi Ninja, Tekken, and the list goes on. However, at the end of the day there are only two that truly matter; Mortal Kombat & Street Fighter. Games so burly that the arcade machines needed to be shaved.
* We’re always angry. But the outlet makes it so I don’t head-butt some woman’s child because she’s throwing a fit at the check-out line over the fact an item was a dollar more than advertised.
The Improper Action:
When playing Mortal Kombat, you have a wide array of moves you can execute. Everything from standard martial arts, to things like fireballs, freezeballs, and spearballs. However, there’s one move that some cheap motherfuckers like to use over and over, and it’s called the sweep. They get a person in a corner and keep hitting back & low-kick which causes them to sweep their opponent over and over, giving the person no chance to bounce back. Often times this will make the person receiving the sweep so mad that the nearest woman becomes pregnant. When she gives birth, all that comes out is a loud “FUCK!”.
Some say Street Fighter is more the purest game. That it’s based more on skill than a game like Mortal Kombat. Well, I’ll leave such important discussions for another day.
Your average Street Fighter game will give you the selection of about 300 different fighters. All are well and good, except for one; Akuma. Akuma was the hidden boss in earlier versions of Street Fighter II, and Akuma is the fucking MAN. He’s the kind of guy who can download porn without a computer. The type of dude if you met in a dream you’d put it on your resume. He’s faster, stronger, and equipped with a shit-ton more special moves than everyone else. Why Capcom made him a playable character is beyond me, because you’ll have guys that choose him and use the excuse “Well, he’s playable, so it’s fair”. The fuck if it is! Be a man, select M. Bison, and learn to play the game. But cheap motherfuckers will select Akuma and make light work out of you, then think it’s wrong of you to head-butt them so hard you’re arrested for attempted vehicular manslaughter.
The Proper Re-Action:
There are plenty of things we as men do to exact revenge against someone for being a bitch. However, in the instance of acting like a woman while playing video games, there’s only one proper response;
The Uppercut to The Dick.
As seen here, in figure 1, it’s no normal punch to the dick. First off, because you’re a man, your hands should always be taped up. Not only will it help you avoid injury when you’re uppercutting a guy or girl in the babymaker, but it also makes you look super-rad when you’re making nachos, or whatever.
When said person has participated in a major dick move, the only response is to move his dick up into his brain. We’re talking like a Ryu forward+down+forward+HP kind of Dragon Uppercut here. Hell, look at that drawing. The dude punched that guy so hard his groin is shattering, and that doesn’t even make sense.
Few things are greater in the world of Man than when one crushes the other at something. Guys are in constant competition with each other because we’re smart. We know that winning is the key to life, and that the most important thing to win at is video games. However, there are a few out there that don’t know the proper way to act once they have crushed & vanquished said friend. The following illustration showcases the wrong way:
Incorrect Way To Celebrate:
The handshake. WRONG. Now, despite the fact one of them is wearing fingerless gloves, this guy is displaying terrible man etiquette. He’s showing sportsmanship, responsibility, and kindness. In other words; crap. Let’s take a look at the proper way to deal with a victory:
Correct Way To Celebrate:
SCREAMING. Notice the furrowed brow? The open mouth with spit coming out of it? These are indicators that a man has scored a victory over the other and is celebrating. Reminding the other man that he is worthless, and pathetic. It’s preferred that you insinuate that due to his loss, he prefers the flesh of men. Now, you need to back up your verbal dressing-down by pointing as well, so he knows FOR SURE that he is the ridiculous penis smuggler, and doesn’t get confused, thinking you’re talking about someone else. His head should be fully hung in shame, otherwise you haven’t celebrated well enough.
So ends today’s lesson. Worry not when you notice your knuckles and/or teeth getting harrier, it only means you’ve upped your man etiquette. Congratulations.