Bash At The Beach 2000 – July 9th, 2000
First off, sorry for the late-update. It literally took me 2 weeks to find the PPV. Youtube has shards of it, and I almost went that way. Thankfully, the full show was found at the last minute. Everything will get back to it’s regular weekly schedule.
Bash opens up with The Cat getting out of a limo. He tells his assistant, Smooth, to tell the MIA they are banned from ringside for the Crusierweight match. Then we hear a gong, and the Yung Dragons show up to attack The Cat. However, since he’s a three time world karate champion, he’s able to dispatch them.
Juvi [C] vs LT Loco – Crusierweight Championship
Man alive, The Filthy Animals are seriously the uncoolest faction in history. The odd thing is that Disco is suppose to be the “Uncool” one, but he’s leaps & bounds above the rest of the group. Both MIA & FA are banned from the ringside, so we may get a legit winner. Match starts off quick, but Juvi makes sure it slows down to a crawl by stalling for 20 minutes after reciving an atomic drop and being clothslined outside. Once back in, Chavo keeps his momentum despite Juvi’s short bursts of offense. The Filthy Animals come out with Halloween masks, and shockingly the ref doesn’t buy it. So they’re sent to the back. The distraction did work long enough for Juvi to turn the match in his favor. Now the MIA come out with Halloween masks. The ref is distracted, allowing Major Gunns
to come out and distract Juvi. From here on out it’s a pretty great ending sequence that really drew me into the match. A great opener, and one of the best matches so far in all of WCW 2000.
Chavo hits Juvi with his 2nd-rope tornado DDT for the pin at 12:09 | ***1/4
Big Vito [C] vs Norman Smiley & Ralphus – Hardcore Championship
I was just about to mention how “Oh, let me guess, they brawl to the back, throw shit at each other, then go to the ring and finish it?” as ALL of WCW’s hardcore matches go, when Tony says that the literal rules of WCW hardcore says the match MUST start in the back. When I think of hardcore, I think of rules, first and foremost. Big Vito eventually throws Norman into an elevator, and heads to the ring to deal with Ralphus. Once there, he beats the hell out of him and puts him through a table. Not much here.
Vito splashes Ralph as he lays on a table at 5:55 | *1/2
We get a promo for the new PPV, New Blood Rising. Afterward, footage of Goldberg arriving with Hall’s contract. I don’t get it. They’re literally fighting for that piece of paper, which they act as if there is only one of, yet Goldberg ate it. Now there’s another? It’s almost as if there are more than one, and this whole deal is really stupid. Almost.
Nash gives a promo where he says he won’t let the good times with Scott end, and he’s gonna deliver the Jackhammer to Goldberg tonight. Jackhammer, Jackknife, who cares.
Miss Hancock vs Daffney – Wedding Gown Match
Tony says this is a heartbreaking story, better than any soap opera. You, good sir, are a liar. Boy, if there’s anyone who looks back at their wrestling career and laughs how far they’ve come, it’s Keibler. Daffney comes out, and appears to be wearing a body-suit of sorts. Like what George wore when he streaked across Yankee Field. She has a black dress over it, which means I really don’t think she’s losing, bummer. More so the bummer that we see the ref lose his pants, as well as David Flair. Holy shit, this is fucking TERRIBLE. If I were George Clooney, I’d have this playing at the house 24/7 and be on a non-stop tour of giving her the utmost shit. She’d dump me in a heart beat because I wouldn’t stop accusing her of cheating on me with David Flair. Then she’d go tell TMZ and such that I was more concerned with making fun of her than having sex, which would be true, and would be awesome. As for this match, it ends out of no where, it’s absolutely God-awful, and one of the worst things I’ve seen in wrestling.
Keibler strips, cake is thrown at 4:16 | – *****
We’re now treated to footage of the WCW team trying to clean up all the cake, and seemingly making the situation worse.
Madden says Bash at the Beach 1994 was the start of Hogan’s climb up the mountain of WCW. Well, he defeated Ric Flair and won the world title in that match. Obviously he’d have a lot more to do after that.
The Perfect Event [C] vs Kronic – WCW Tag Team Championship
Why the HELL does Stasiak have Perfect’s music but Hennig didn’t when he debuted? One thing I have to give Kronic, they’re pretty over. If The Outsiders had been around I think the 4 could have drawn together. As for the match, The Perfect Event are actually doing rather well as the chicken-shit heel tag-team that’s obviously over-matched but using all the back-handed tricks they can to give them the edge. They’re more than holding their own in this match, actually leaving the outcome in a bit of wonder. I dare even say it’s a decent bout. Eventually Kronic hits High Times on both members, but each time the pin is broken up. Stasiak tries to use the Lex-Flexer, but all that earns him is Kronic’s super-finisher, which is a powerbomb & off-the-top-rope clothesline combo. Afterwards, Kronic finally earn their belts. It falls apart a bit in the end, as I think Kronic were blown the hell up. But it was still the best tag-team match I’ve seen in WCW for this year.
Stasiak eats the Super-High-Times and the pin at 13:36 | **3/4
We go back to the Cat’s office, and hear the flute again. The Yung Dragons attack and lay out The Cat with nunchucks & kendo sticks. The point of this is never made clear.
Positively Kanyon vs Booker T
Well, Booker T is Booker T again. He was Booker, then he was GI Bro, and now he’s Booker T again with no explanation. Hell, I’d like to know what happened with Stevie Ray and Harlem Heat 2000. But this is Russo, I trust he’ll connect the storyline and not just leave it open like that. No way.
Booker has the momentum on his side for the beginning of the match, cutting Kanyon off each time he tries to turn to his favor. They get to the outside where he’s actually successful at putting Booker down, smashing him under the ring stairs, and placing Booker against the ring post before drop kicking him. This match may be No-DQ, because Kanyon has wedged a chair into the corner, and the ref seems a-ok with it. Later it appears not as Booker tries to nail Kanyon with it. Well, Jarrett promised the Cat earlier that if he didn’t produce Hogan [who’s been missing] that he’s gonna mess with his show. He lives up to his promise by coming down to ringside and clocking Booker with the guitar. Allowing Kanyon to nail the Kanyon Cutter. Good match. If they don’t be careful, this PPV could actually be pretty good.
Kanyon hits the Cutter on Booker for the pin at 10:05 | **3/4
Oh God. Awesome is talking to one of those fat opera singer chicks that Jarrett had on Nitro. And so we begin…oh man, such a fucking bummer. He was doing well before that 70’s guy bullshit. I’m actually stoked to see him crush Steiner here.
Scott Steiner [C] vs Mike Awesome – US Heavyweight Title
Match starts off with promise as Awesome back-body drops Steiner into the crowd, then leaps over the rail, giving Steiner a flying shoulder tackle. They brawl into the crowd for a minute before coming back to the ring. Once back in, neither are able to get the advantage on each other for long. Eventually they get out to ringside, where Mike uses a few chairs & the ring bell to turn the momentum to his favor. They get back to the ring, and after a while Steiner goes for the Recliner, but Cat says you better not, because it’s banned. The match goes back & forth, with Awesome really kicking Steiner’s ass, but unable to keep him down. Another attempt at the Recliner has Cat saying if you do it, I’ll strip you of the strap. Steiner says fuck you, does it anyway. Cat strips him, and that’s that. What a bunch of bullshit. This was basically Steiner not wanting to lay down for the much more talented, and much less of an asshole, Mike Awesome. He was a great wrestler, and should have become one of WCW’s top guys. I hate Russo. However, on a more pleasant note, this match was actually pretty good, all thanks in part to Mr. Awesome.
Cat stops the match because of Steiner using the Recliner at 9:11 | ***
Tony says we’re about to see The Graveyard match. The winner makes it back to the arena.
The Demon vs Vampiro – Graveyard Match
This is literally as dumb as you imagine it to be. Vampiro leaps out of a tree to start the match, and you know what we get to light the match? ONE flashlight. ONE. Both guys are wearing black, and for all I know they could be having sex. They’re now fighting in water, and it looks more like a fetish film than a blood feud. Back on dry land, Vampiro smashes what is being sold as either a tombstone, or a hunk of granite, over The Demon’s head. The ref seems awfully calm despite the fact he just witnessed someone’s skull being crushed. Vamp throws The Demon in a casket and tosses it in a hole.
Match ends when a guy hits the ring, so officially it’s not over, but hell, let’s play it fast and loose and call it over at 6:39 | DUD. Although, honestly, it was entertaining in a “are you fucking kidding” kind of way. Which is made greater by the fact they were trying to be deathly serious.
Buff Bagwell vs Shane Douglas
Buff’s theme is easily a Top 3 of all time. More so a match you’d see on TV, just a bit longer. There’s nothing wrong with it, as both wrestlers were crisp, or as crisp as they can be. Buff’s on the verge of a win when Torrie Wilson appears. Shane thinks she’s with him, but it’s not true. She’s with Buff. But that’s not true. She’s with Shane. He hits Buff with his Jawbreaker type move, and it’s all done with.
Buff eats a Jawbreaker [known as The Franchiser] and pin at 7:54 | **
We get a look back at the Jarrett vs Hogan feud, and it actually did a decent job of building this match up. Which is awesome since it’s not gonna happen.
Jarrett [C] vs Hogan – WCW Championship
Man, seeing Russo just puts me in a bad mood. So, the bell rings, and Jarrett just lays down. It looks like Russo is talking to Hogan, and just throws the title at him. Hogan looks pissed. This is so fucking annoying. Hogan says “This is why the company is in the damn shape it’s in, because of bullshit like this”. Madden says “is it gonna be Halloween Havoc 1999 all over again?”. Yeah, it is. Because they never touched on that or explained it ever again, just like they don’t with this. Russo deserves to be punched for crap like this. The very few who bought the PPV probably wanted to see the title match, but what does Russo want to give them? Stupid “it’s fake but real” bullshit. Every wrestling fan loves to be reminded that what we’re watching is predetermined. Wouldn’t Seinfeld be awesome if mid-way Kramer just started talking about how it was bullshit he had to be a doof, and he’s sick of being Kramer? Seinfeld could have been bigger than ever. Russo, if you or anyone who knows you is reading this, FUCK YOU.
Hogan pins Jarrett with one foot at 1:19 | DUD
Vampiro comes out, and says The Demon is dead. Crowd chants “We want Sting”. The Sting druids come out with a coffin. Vampiro looks in the coffin, a guy dressed as Sting gets out and hits him with a bat, throwing him in the coffin. They keep asking if it’s Sting, but you can’t tell. If it is, he’s wearing a wig and a Sting mask. Lights go out, and the masked Sting in the Sting mask is gone. And this all blew.
Russo interview. The man who said you’d never see his face on TV comes out for the longest face time that anyone is getting on this PPV. I’ll include the video for anyone who wants to watch it, because the last thing I want to do is listen to this moron. He does tell the truth by saying he’ll go in his grave before we see Hogan in the company again, because Russo killed the company long before Hogan would wrestle again. Russo’s part begins at 8:40
Kevin Nash vs Goldberg – Scott Hall’s contract
Nash sees Steiner beforehand and says “watch my back out there”, meaning you can bet whatever you’d like that Steiner turns on him later. Goldberg comes out with the contract shoved down his tights. Man, I would not want that after it had Goldberg’s swamp-ass all over it. Fucking gnarly. Madden says “don’t mess that up! Don’t mess that contract up!”, despite the fact GOLDBERG ALREADY ATE IT. Steiner shows up to root for Nash, and oh goodness, I can’t believe it, say it ain’t so, but Steiner turns on Nash. This gives Goldberg the chance to hit the spear & Jackhammer. They rip up the contract, rendering it invalid, despite the fact Goldberg already ate the fucking thing. The match really wasn’t worth describing, to be honest. It was slow, and boring.
Nash takes a Jackhammer & pin at 5:28 | *
Booker T vs Jeff Jarrett [C] – WCW Championship
At least the logic of it all makes sense. Booker has Jarrett’s number for awhile before they battle to the outside. Jarrett gets things in his favor by smashing Booker’s head against the announce table, and then a pretty sweet pile-driver on top of it. They get back into the ring where Jarrett controls things for a bit, but Booker earns his come back as the crowd gets into this one like nothing else this year. Honestly, this is a GREAT match. Not just great, but easily the best match so far in WCW 2000. They went out there and tore the house down. Great ending, as Jarrett went for an off-the-top-rope guitar smash, but Booker caught him for the Bookend. This is a match worth searching out, because it’s some fantastic stuff from the era of dread.
Booker catches Jarrett with the Bookend at 13:40 | ****
Showcase Showdown: Easily, without a doubt, the best PPV so far of the year. We had a couple 3 star matches, and a hell of a main event. There were two ridiculous matches, but one of them was a Hogan vs Warrior 2 type of bad, and those have their own charm to them. While it’s awesome to be reviewing great wrestling for a change, it’s also depressing because you see that WCW didn’t have to die. You see that
there was talent here, and story lines that could be worth a damn. However, we know this isn’t to last, as while Russo is gone for this short time, he’s about to come back in FULL FORCE. Until then, we celebrate, because Bash at the Beach 2000 is worth while.