Monday Nitro – July 24th, 2000 – Sebastian

Nitro, for the first time I can think of starts right away with action. Lance Storm comes out and does the Canadian Anthem. Lance’s gimmick works really well with the crowd as it seems half the crowd is for him and half are booing. There’s a lot of Canadian Flags in the crowd but the other half is booing them. After the anthem Lance talks about how America’s devolved and how all great wrestling champions are from Canada (and Chicago). Lance issues an open challenge and Big Vito comes out. Vito comes out and says the usual shit. Lance says that his Title (The US Title) is on the line and Vito puts his title on the line (Hardcore Championship). I like the fast pace of the show so far and the fact that we’re starting with a match instead of an angle advancement promo for once.

1st Match: Lance Storm (US Title) vs Big Vito (Hardcore Title) For Both Titles

Vito gets the advantage early and works over Lance in the corner with a kendo stick. Lance sends Vito outside with a backdrop. Back in and Vito hits Lance with some punches, and goes up but Lance catches Vito with a lowblow and hits a superplex from the top for two!Lance reverses a whip into a roll up for two, into a cradle for two, and then runs into a Belly-to-Belly from Vito. Vito goes up top and hits an elbowdrop for two. Vito hits a Flapjack DDT, which is his finisher, for two. Vito’s pissed that he didn’t get the win there and goes for the Kendo Stick. Lance hits a drop toe hold but runs into a kendo stick. Lance hits a Superkick and goes into the Half Crab for the win!

3.5/5.0 Holy shit, what a crazy opening! That match had a maniac pace and was hard to do play-by-play for. Good start to the show.

Booker T walks out and we see clips from Thunder were Jeff attacked Booker. Booker thanks the fans for supporting him and says that, unlike the guys before him he wouldn’t have been champion if it wasn’t for the fans. That statement is kind of true, if it wasn’t for Booker getting over with the fans the guys in the back would’ve kept him in Harlem Heat until they decided he would never amount to anything and drop him off in WWF as a jobber. Booker tells Jeff to “save that drama, for yo momma.” Goldberg is mad at that statement or something [Note From Caliber: Your mother’s a goof!], so he comes out to the ring. Goldberg says he’s mad that Booker kicked him in the face last week. Goldberg says that Booker said that he would defend the championship every week and Booker accepts to wrestling Goldberg tonight. Goldberg’s overacting here is so ridiculous, he keeps on taking the microphone away from his mouth halfway through a sentence and he’ll take long pauses in between words. Booker says, “You want it, you got it!” And Goldberg responds by saying, “You know…….. I want it.” The Cat comes out and says that the fans are going to decide who Booker’s going to wrestle tonight by doing a voting thing on That’s pretty inventive as it comes way before Cyber Tuesday or Taboo Tuesday. Goldberg grabs Miller by the neck so Booker hits him with some punches, and Goldberg brings Booker into the corner only for the security to break them up from fighting.

We come back from commercial and the commentators are talking about the voting poll for the main event. The commentators get this graphic and Mark Madden’s says, “TV’s Best Looking Man Mark Madden.” Billy Kidman is also on commentary and he’s talking about the Five Dollar Tramp and has a tape were he bangs Torrie Wilson I guess.

Anyway, who cares because David Flair comes out with My Beautiful and Beloved who dances around because God loves me.

2nd Match: David Flair and The Goddess vs Chavo Gurrerro and Major Guns

David hits Chavo with an elbow and scoop slams him. Major Gunns is wrestling Stacy Keibler at the ppv. Stacy breaks up a pinfall attempt by Chavo which leads to Major Gunns chasing Stacy around. Don’t let her catch you Stacy! You might catch something. Stacy gets in the ring and tries to attack Major Guns but falls into David’s nuts on accident who was laying in the corner. David holds Major Guns and Stacy goes for a crossbody but Guns gets out and Guns rolls up Stacy for the win.

DUD Stacy lost.

David holds Guns and Stacy tears off her shirt. Chavo takes out David and Stacy runs off. Guns shows off her boobs. They look fake.

Backstage Jeff gets mad at Ernest Miller because Ernest is letting the fans decide. Ernest gives Jeff a title shot, a Tag Team Title Shot against Kronic. Sting gets interviewed and says he’s going to take off his mask tonight! Goldberg says its a good thing that the fans get to decide because he’s going to be picked, and if he isn’t, whoever is picked is going to leave IN A BODYBAG! Jeff Jarrett takes out Bryan Clarke backstage.

3rd Match: Jeff Jarrett vs Bryan Adams (Denamp) (WCW Tag Titles)

Jeff hits Bryan with some punches in bunches but runs into a backbreaker. Bryan hits a piledriver for two but Jeff gets his foot on the rope. It seems odd to me that they would do that spot so early in the match as putting your foot on the rope is kind of a last ditch effort, wrestlers usually only do it when they can’t kick out. Jeff rolls to the outside and whips Bryan into the steps and hits a piledriver on the outside. Would’ve looked better if the floor wasn’t heavily padded. Jeff brings Bryan inside and hits a DDT for two. Bryan whips Jeff and Jeff tries to jump over Bryan but gets caught in a Full Nelson suplex. Big boot followed by a leg drop gets two for Bryan. Bryan with boots in the corner. The Ref brings Bryan out of the corner and Bryan throws him, so the Ref is momentarily ko’d and Jeff hits Bryan with the butt of his guitar for two. Bryan comes back and hits a sick gutbuster for two! Jeff dodges a crossbody but Clarke runs in and hits Jeff with part of another broken guitar. Clarke hits Jeff with a pump handle slam and Adams has Jeff ready for a chokeslam. Clarke stops Adams and tells him to do it on the commentator table. They bring Jeff to the outside and almost do it but the Ref stops it… so they chokeslam the Referee onto the table! Cool! Jeff escapes into the crowd.

3.5/5.0 Great storytelling, Adams not only hung in there but he looked like a badass and it was questionable who was going to win. Kronic’s a force to be reckoned with, and you still want to see Jeff Jarrett get his ass kicked.

Vampiro says he’ll handle The Great Muta for Ernest Miller. Ernest says that he’ll take care of Muta, but Vampiro talks Ernest into being the Referee by showing him his Ninja moves. Its pretty funny as Vampiro does this really unimpressive kick and Ernest acts super shocked, “You can do that to Muta!”

Cut to Torrie and Shane Douglas, Shane tries asking Torrie what happened and The Five Buck Tramps says, “There was that one time.” The only question I have is, did he pay her in quarters? [NFC: What on Earth are you talking about?]

4th Match: Ernest Miller as Special Referee: Vampiro with The Insane Clown Posse (Ugh) vs The Great Muta w/ NWA

The NWA kill the Insane Clown Posse and make the world a better place.

Sorry, I was fantasizing again.

4th Match: Ernest Miller as Special Referee: Vampiro with The Insane Clown Posse (Ugh) vs The Great Muta

What really happens is much less coherent and logical. The Great Muta and Vampiro attack Ernest Miller, and then The Demon gets involved and hits Ernest Miller with his Love Gun, which is a chokeslam. The Insane Clown Posse stay in the ring and Ernest Miller gets back up and kicks ’em out. That was probably the most pointless thing I’ve ever seen.

Booker T says Boo-Yah.

5th Match: Booker T (World Heavyweight Champion) vs Sting for the World Heavyweight Championship

Considering that Sting is wearing bandages, we still have forty minutes to go, and Goldberg says he’s going to attack whoever wins the vote you know this is going to end in an angle. And sure enough during Sting’s entrance Goldberg blindsides Sting and ko’s him after a couple punches and the kick. Booker T walks down the ramp and him and Goldberg get into it for a couple of seconds before security breaks it up, again. The thing I don’t like about the kick is that they mention that it took out Bret Hart for good. It’s playing up Bret Hart’s real life concussion and stroke, and using it for an angle, which is really fucked up.

Goldberg challenges Booker to a match and Booker excepts. Well, it feels like the whole voting angle was a waste of time now.

5th Match: Booker T (World Heavyweight Championship) vs Goldberg for the World Heavyweight Championship

Goldberg just kills Booker, hits him with a couple moves, and Booker rolls to the outside. Goldberg rams Booker into the steps and then does an armbar on the inside. Booker gets the ropes but Goldberg holds onto the hold for a while. This match is kind of sad because Booker’s looking so much weaker than Goldberg here, he looks like a child and Goldberg looks like this giant monster. It just seems that Booker can’t hang with Goldberg here. Ernest Miller comes down to the ring and says that Goldberg wins the match, but not the title because Booker never tapped.

DUD I didn’t like how weak Booker looked in this match, it really made Goldberg look like he was on a way higher level than Booker, who is the World Heavyweight fucking Champion! It would be like building up Jean Claude Van Damme the whole movie and then having him get squashed by the big buff guy at the end of the movie.

Booker complains to Ernest backstage and tells Ernest he wants a rematch. Ernest says he’s hesitant to do it because he doesn’t want Booker to get injured but eventually agrees to restart the match later tonight (main event) and anything goes.

6th Match: Buff Bagwell w/ Judy Bagwell vs Kanyon

Kanyon hit Judy with a Diamond Cutter which led to her having a beck brace on, which she has on now. Kanyon’s entrance came on but Kanyon isn’t coming out. They keep on replaying the entrance, look, I can only stand Nirvana for so long. Buff is tired of it damn it and starts cutting a promo. Buff talks about how awesome and buff he is. His Mom grabs the microphone and tells Kanyon he’s a chickenshit and to come down to the ring. Bagwell says that Kanyon’s not coming so he wins, and dances because Buff Bagwell and his Mom are fucking awesome.

5/5 Awesome match, technical masterpiece. Really compelling, I couldn’t take my eyes away from it.

It turns out that the company is paying Kanyon so little he has to work as a camera man and attacks Buff for being buffer than him. Than he goes after Judy who runs backstage. Kanyon stalks Judy. This is kind of hilariously disturbing as Judy adds a comedy element as she keeps on screeching at him. Then Kanyon shoves her in a car and leaves. Buff Bagwell follows them. This is the best action movie I’ve ever seen on a wrestling show. Meanwhile, Kidman is tired of The Five Buck Tramp saying his dick is small so he’s going to show the porn tape. Madden wants to see the tape. See, poor Madden is payed so little he can’t even put five dollars together. Either that or he’s been using all his money on paying for the 2000 version of Insanity. [NFC: I love how Insanity acts how it’s all revolutionary with a brilliant scientific break-through. Then their plan is do nothing but constantly move a lot. Let me guess, their awesome diet plan consists of eating less than you normally do and eating healthy? Shocking.]

7th Match: Shane Douglas w/ The Five Buck Tramp vs Mike Awesome w/ Fat Chicks

I actually kind of like Mike Awesome’s gimmick, to quote Kevin Nash, “Fat chicks need loving too.” [NFC: Are you being paid by Russo to endorse his shitty ideas? How on EARTH is this cool? He went from a burly ass-beater having great matches to…well, you’ll see just how bad it’s gonna get]

Awesome dodges some punches and rams Shane into all three of the thingys in the corner (you can’t beat me when it comes to specifics). Shane goes to the outside and starts walking away and Mike goes for this cross body from the top but botches it leading to an awkward moment were Shane Douglas is just standing on the ramp waiting for Awesome to do his spot. Awesome does it and throws Shane in but Torrie jumps on Awesome’s leg allowing for Shane to get some punches in. Shane brings Mike in and hits him with a pancake suplex. Sick necksnap. Shane stops to taunt and then works over the neck. I just want to tell you people that I worked out really hard yesterday and it is literally hard to type right now, I am suffering for you people damn it, and yes that’s important enough to interrupt a Mike Awesome match for. Awesome comes back with clotheslines and a belly to belly suplex for two. Alablama Slam from Mike Awesome and Awesome goes up but Torrie grabs Awesome’s leg again. Shane puts on this chain which is super impossible for the Referee not to know about because it makes this really annoying loud chainy sound. Shane goes up but the video comes up and its really, really fake. Torrie’s not even in it and it looks like Billy’s banging his bed. Awesome hits Shane with a title belt and gets the win.

2.0/5.0 Decent but nothing that great.

Billy Kidman comes out and says that he made a bunch of copies, enough copies to hand out to the crowd, and a special Director’s Cut for Mark Madden. We then see Kiwi’s reaction to the sex tape and he just moans and touches his lips a lot. I think he’s doing it more because of Kidman rather than Torrie. Kidman pulls out some undies. I wouldn’t necessarily brag that I had AIDS but whatever.

There’s a huge clusterfuck steel cage tag team match coming up that’s going to probably be hard to do play by play for. You bastards don’t care though, do you?

8th Match: Filthy Animals vs Chuck Pulambo and Shawn Stasiak vs MIA vs Sean O’Hare and Mark Jindrak

I started doing play by play for this but the match is so chaotic and the guys are pretty hard to differentiate between because I don’t know all of their names, and the commentators aren’t helping as they just keep on talking about the porn tape. Its not standard tag team match either, as everyone’s in there at the same time. The match is just kind of a mess and to win you have to leave the cage, or be the last one to escape the cage….. they don’t explain the rules at all. There’s no top to escape to either like the in the regular WWE cage, you have to throw the people out of the cage. The teams get eliminated or leave the cage really fast. It gets down to Rey Mysterio and and MIA. Rey and Juvi Juice get a ladder in and hit both the MIA members with legdrops from the top. Tygress is also on commentary and she’s really fucking annoying. She just keeps on saying, “This is all part of our plan,” over, and over, and over agian. MIA and Filthy Animals use the ladder to get on top of the cage, which is more like a WWE Cell. General Rection slams the Rey and meanwhile Juvi and the other guy from MIA both fall down… so who won, what the fuck is happening! The crowd doesn’t know either and has been totally dead for this match. This fucking “match” is giving me an aneurism. Then the other guy from MIA sets Juvi up on a table and Rection almost jumps off the table onto the chair but Rey stops it from happening. Then Juvi throws Kajun through the table…. and its down to Rection and Rey, whoever gets out wins I guess even though all the other teams got out beforehand so doesn’t that mean they won? Rection hits Rey with a powerbomb and wins.

DUD The match rules made no sense and the whole thing was just a sloppy mess. This is like, the worst match I’ve ever fucking seen.

Ray tries to ask Goldberg not to wrestle Booker so Goldberg beats Stevie up and sends him through a glass window in a possible call back to Jannetty/Shawn. Booker is watching Ray get loaded into the ambulance. I’m really doubting this match is going to happen as we have five minutes left in the show.

Main Event: Goldberg vs Booker T (World Heavyweight Championship) for the World Heavyweight Championship Hardcore Match

Booker doesn’t even do his entrance as he attacks Goldberg during his. Goldberg throws Booker into the guardrail and punches Booker around. Goldberg throws Booker in and Booker hits the Scissors Kick! Booker whips Goldberg into the corner but runs into a boot and gets killed by a clothesline. Goldberg whips Booker and goes for a clothesline which Booker dodges but gets caught in a press slam. Goldberg hits Booker with some punches when Jeff Jarrett runs down and hits Goldberg with a chair. Goldberg no sells and spears Jeff. Ernest Miller hits a Superkick, Goldberg comes back and hits Ernest with his own superkick. Booker gets up and hits Goldberg with a Book End for the win. Goldberg kicks out right after the three. Goldberg is pissed and spears Booker, and then hits a Jackhammer.

DUD Still made Booker look way weaker than Goldberg. Basically, they did what WWE did with Jericho but a year early, Booker looks like a chump and Goldberg looks like the real deal.

Final Thoughts: The show started off smoking hot but after the first Booker/Goldberg match the show slowly devolved. You had the stupid Buff Bagwell having his Mom being kidnapped angle that has universal apathy, the horrible angle of Kidman banging Torrie, the worst match I’ve ever seen in my life, and Booker being made to look like a chump. Not the worst 2000 Nitro I’ve ever seen but a big step down from the last couple weeks programming.


~ by Caliber Winfield on May 15, 2013.

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