Monday Nitro – July 31st, 2000 – Caliber

july31stheaderThe show opens up with a 10 bell salute for Gordon Solie. I was never a fan, nor do I know of anyone who was, but he was a big deal for a while.

They follow with a small profile on Booker T, about how he’s a fighting champion. His wife is asking him not to do whatever it is he’s gonna do, because he’s injured. Like a man, he acts like he’s listening, and just does whatever the hell he wants anyway.

Booker comes out, and he’s pretty over. Of course, WCW can’t even market him right as they try to get “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” over as a catchphrase. Booker asks the fans if they want Sting vs Booker. They do. It wouldn’t surprise me if they actually delivered this match, since it would completely skip over the NEVER ENDING feud between Sting & Vamp. Double J then comes out, to say it’s not about Booker v Sting, but Booker v Double J. Booker says hey, we don’t have to wait until New Blood. They brawl, then Double J does this weird Figure 4 deal with Booker’s legs between the ropes, which I find pointless. Sting runs out with a mask on, and takes out Jarrett. Then unmasks. What the hell is the point of wearing it? He looks great after being set on fire a little over a month ago. Well, Double J is pissed and clocks Booker’s wife, who’s sitting ringside, with a guitar. Booker’s reactions are fucking fantastic.

bookersreactionBuff heads on out, and we learn that he and Kanyon are going to have a match with Judy on the line. What in the sweet merciful fuck does that mean? Either way, we learn that Buff is the Stuff. This is new information.

Buff Bagwell vs Big Vito
The highlight of the match is the fact the announce team must call Kanyon ‘Positively Kanyon’. Any time I see Buff’s mom I think about that episode of Legends of Wrestling: Heat Seekers. Where JR talked about Buff calling in to say he wouldn’t make it to a show. Well, Buff didn’t call in, his mom did. JR needs to learn that sometimes you’re too buff to call people. Anyway, not a terrible match by anymeans, but a TV match never the less.  Vito wins with the Bulldog SummerSlam 1992 pin. Buff was distracted the whole match, constantly checking on camera men and the such, to make sure they weren’t PK.
Vito pins Buff with the Bulldog Pin at 3:10 | *

Backstage, the Kwee Wee wants a match with The Artist. Oh snaps, a gay wardrobe dude who can butch it up when need be. That Russo is a GENIUS.

We get some brilliance where Kanyon tries to Kanyon Kut that blond announce chick, but Mean Gene makes the save, only to eat a KK himself. Buff soon shows up, catches up with Kanyon and hits him with a Double Arm DDT.

The Artist vs Kwee Wee
Shockingly, they actually went out and had a pretty good match. Kwee Wee may be a stupid gimmick, but the fact he hits the ring with a ton of rage and tears his opponent apart is great. He beat the shit out The Artist. Oh, but then he has a calm side where he’s a girlish wardrobe man. That Russo, what genius. Kwee finishes off The Artist with a move that I can best describe as Kwee about to deliver a Tombstone, but instead throws the Artist upward, and slams him down in a flap-jack. Not bad, really.
Kwee Wee wins with the…The Move at 3:45 | **

Scott Steiner is looking for The Cat, and demands a match.

Backstage, we get footage of Nash arriving. No, he doesn’t tear his quad.

Lance Storm vs LT Loco – Crusierweight Championship
First, Lance informs us that his newly won Hardcore Championship is now the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Championship. He cuts a pretty good promo, and his catchphrase of “Don’t blame Canada, blame yourself” is fantastic. Surprise to no one, these guys start putting on a great match. Of course, it doesn’t go very long, despite the fact it’s a title match. Lance wins, and he’s now holding three titles. I had no idea they pushed Lance this hard. They really could have built the company around him, as he’s a fantastic heel who can back it up in the ring like crazy. Chavo hurts his ankle after landing wrong, which leads to him tapping to the Maple Leaf.
Chavo taps to the Leaf at 3:24 | **

Kevin Nash comes out while Lance is in the ring, and basically no sells him, telling him to get out of the ring. Right here is a PERFECT example of the genius of WCW. You have a guy who just won his 3rd championship, which had never been done before in WCW, and immediately afterwards they bury him by having Nash act like he’s no threat. Well, Lance won’t leave, thus Nash starts to put the beating on him, causing Lance to bail. What a load of bullshit. Lance, if you’re reading this, I’d love to fucking know how you felt about that. caliberw@hotmail.com

Nash cuts a promo, talking about his ordeal with Jean-Pierre. Then talks about beating up football players. Then Steiner comes out, calls Nash a piece of shit, and security pulls them apart. One of them is actually Wildcat Chris Harris aka Braden Walker, massive superstar to the superstars.

Backstage, Nash demands a match with Steiner via The Cat. Ernest has a different idea, telling Nash they can have a Straight Jacket Match. That Russo is a genius.

Jeff Jarrett vs Sting
Sting opens up on Jeff, getting him to the outside and beating him with a steel chair. Back in, Jeff soon gets his momentum back & works Stinger’s knee. He nails Sting with a steel chair while the ref isn’t looking, but only gets a 2. An attempted suplex onto the chair only gets him a reversed Scorpion Death Drop onto it for the three. I don’t get this at all. Why throw away a match like this? Why make it so short? Why have Jeff loose so decisively when he’s two weeks from his PPV rematch? Well, at least there wasn’t any outside interference.
Sting hits the SDD on Jeff, scoring the pin at 5:21 | *1/2

|<roni>| vs Vampiro & The Great Muta vs Mark Jindrak & Sean O’Haire – WCW Tag Team Championship
Kronik come out with t-shirts that clearly spell their name with two K’s, and of course WCW’s graphic for them has it as ‘Kronic’. Clarke & O’Haire in first, standard action follows. Muta & Vampiro enter in next for some double-team business. Eventually all 6 are in the ring, Clarke stumbles around with a chair, as the ref fails to pay attention. Adams hits Muta with his Full-Nelson Slam, just as Jindrak hits Vampiro with a Swanton. Both pin their respective opponent as the ref counts the 3. Kronik keep the titles, which displeases Jindrak & O’Haire. Well, they get nailed with the title belts for confronting Kronik about this, and then Kronik get laid out by Vamp & Muta, who proceed to take the belts. Not a bad match, and it’s nice to see that WCW was at least trying to push young talent.
Adams pins Muta after a Full-Nelson slam at 4:18 | *1/2

Backstage, The Cat books Shane Douglas vs Billy Kidman in a Viagra on a Pole Match. Remember this next time you go to work, Russo was paid MILLIONS. We get footage from last week of Douglas & Wilson’s sex tape, which apparently is just footage of Douglas talking about not being able to get a boner. MILLIONS.

Shane Douglas vs Billy Kidman – Viagra On A Pole Match
What the HELL is the outcome suppose to be? Do you win when you grab the pills and force your opponent to have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours? Either way, a pretty solid match. Shane controlled the majority of it, with Kidman fighting to turn the tide. He eventually hits Douglas with the Unprettier, and nabs the pills while Torrie has the ref distracted. Douglas hits the Franchiser and takes the bottle, which the ref sees, awarding the boner to Douglas. Seriously, they don’t do shit with the pills, so what was the point other than being able to make a bunch of dick jokes? MILLIONS they paid Russo, MILLIONS!
Douglas grabs the bottle, winning the match at 5:00 | **

Major Gunns vs Ms. Hancock – Hardcore Match
I’m pretty excited for this, because I have a feeling it’s going to be one of the worst matches of all time. It begins in the dressing room, as Major Gunns drags Hancock into the shower, and tries to turn on the water. She’s of course unable to, because, well it’s a nozzle. They then head to a dessert table and throw cake at each other. They head to the ring, where A-Wall is beating on Ric Flair apparently, for no given reason. Gunns does get thrown through a table, which I wouldn’t imagine she’d do, since it’s some what entertaining. Hancock delivers a bodyslam to Gunns and pins her. Dammit, this wasn’t nearly as bad as it should have been. Hell, it’s hard to classify it as bad because there wasn’t much to it. No starting bell, so I’d put the time at a couple minutes.
Ms. Hancock wins with a bodyslam at around 3 minutes | DUD

Backstage, 3 Nitro girls all comment on Kidman having a boner and Kidman says he has a boner and do the Nitro girls want to have sex with his boner and they want to have sex with his boner so they all go away to have sex with his boner.

Scott Steiner vs Kevin Nash – Straight Jacket Match
Steiner comes out and lets us know he’s hung like a horse, and for his freaks, there’s nothing finer than doing the 69’er with Scott Steiner. It must be awesome to be one of his daughters. So, the match has no ref, and no rules. The only way it ends is when you put the other guy in the straight jacket, and then get tired of beating the hell out of him. They bumble around the ring, and the only interesting thing that happens is when Nash powerbombs Midaja. She’s so light, that when Nash flipped her up for the powerbomb she almost flew over his head. Rick shows up, and now it’s a double-team, leading to Nash being strapped up. Man, the whole match Scott is jawing with the fans. I mean, he’s in a fucking RAGE with these fans. At one point he bats down a piece of trash thrown at him, and he looked so pissed I thought his skeleton was gonna jump out of his mouth and attack the fan. Well, as we heard, the match can only end when said person is tired of beating up the defenseless guy. Scott lays in two boots after Nash is strapped up, and that’s it. MILLIONS AND MILLIONS they paid Russo.
Another match starts, signaling the end of this one. It was about 6 minutes, I suppose. | DUD

Sting vs Booker T – WCW Championship
Booker’s knee is still injured from earlier, which Sting works as he tries to put him in the Scorpion Deathlock on two different occasions within 2 minutes of the match starting. Sting takes an elbow to the face, and falls to the ringside where he’s drug underneath the ring, and thrown back out, busted open. Yes, God forbid they just give us Sting vs Booker T, which they’ve promised for 2 weeks now. Once Sting is back in, they have a go for a few minutes, until a great finish sequence sees Stinger taking a Bookend for the pin. A lame match that I thought they may give time to, but since Russo is back, I should have known. It’s great to see Booker get a strong win over Sting, further cementing him as a main event guy.
Booker pins Sting after a Bookend at 5:12 | *

Afterward, Sting goes to ringside and drags out who’s ever under there. Of course, one would think if you attacked someone like that, you wouldn’t just be lounging under the ring. However, this is WCW 2000, so of course The Demon is underneath the ring. This prompts Muta & Vampiro to show up and triple team Sting. Jarrett then shows up to beat on Booker. He rigs up a pully system and slips Booker’s ankle through it, hoisting his leg up and nailing it with the acoustic guitar. Meanwhile, Sting is put in the Demon’s lame-ass portable coffin, as it’s then set on fire. At this point, we’re out of time.

Showcase Showdown: Well, there’s really no doubt about whether or not Russo is back, is there? We had multiple people leave in an ambulance, Judy Bagwell, a Viagra on a Poll Match, a Straight Jacket Match, people being in the ring who have no right, and things set on fire. Life was so much better a few weeks ago. It must have been devestaiting to WCW fans who were trying to ride out the storm of shit back then. There was a hint. A glimmer of hope. However, it was just an eye in the storm that is Russo. This show was bad in the normal scope of things, but middle of the road for WCW 2000. I have a feeling things will regress back to the godawful normal by next week. Thankfully it’ll be Sebastian’s turn, so, he can suck it.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on May 20, 2013.

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