Minute Man Reviews: The Hangover Part III, Pain & Gain, GI Joe: Retalliation



GI Joe: Retaliation

Apparently the people behind this film absolutely hated the first one, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, because they completely erased it. There’s about 10% of the original cast, and little to no mention of the events of the original. Hell, and I’m about to give a spoiler, but one you won’t care about, they kill Tatum about 15 minutes in the film. You think he’s gonna pop up later, but nope. He’s dead. That’s now dedicated they were to erasing the first film.

As for the one they offered up, it’s not any better. The highlight of the film are the scenes involving Snake Eyes, Storm Shadow, and a mass of other ninjas. If they’d made this the bulk of the film they may have had something, however we instead follow Roadblock and his completely uninteresting, nondescript soldiers as they battle uninteresting, nondescript enemies. Everyone is so damn boring in this film, with exception for the ninjas. Then we have Cobra Commander, an interesting bad-ass, who’s in the film for a couple minutes and that’s it. The action is decent, and of course picks-up during the ninja battles.

In the end, they try to erase the first film, with the irony being it’s a better picture than Retaliation. The characters were a hell of a lot more interesting in their outlandish, comic book nature, as opposed to Retaliation’s dry, uninteresting attempt at bringing GI Joe into the real world. If you end up having to watch this movie, just skip around and watch the portions with the ninja.

**1/4 out of 5

Pain & Gain

Every time I have to use the bathroom, I think “What if I wasn’t allowed to go for a week?”. An odd thing to think about. The reason this thought even enters my mind is because of an article I read in the summer of 2000 in an issue of FHM. It was about a man who’d been abducted and tortured for his money & possessions. He said one of the things they did was not allow him to take a shit for a week, and once they did, he said the pain was worse than not being allowed to go. That all sounded so terrible that it stuck with me. So, much to my surprise I came to the relization that the article I read in 2000 was in fact Pain & Gain. Of course, they don’t cover this in the film.

Fuck the hipsters who hate Michael Bay because he’s Michael Bay. Pain & Gain is fantastic. Wahlberg plays a body-builder who’s a con-artist, and an idiot that worships infomercial giants, wanting all the big things in life but unwilling to work for it. The Rock plays sort of simpleton who wants to do good in life, but is easily persuaded otherwise. And he loves coke.  Together with another friend they make a plan to rob a client of Wahlberg’s who they deem unfit to have such luxury. They succeed, and things are going just as planned, for a while.

The film is paced well, and flies by. Bay’s large commercial style works perfectly for this film, giving a gloss to the grimey feel of the whole journey these morons take. Also, for those who are into bodybuilding there’s that much more to enjoy. From trying breast-milk because you hear it’s anabolic, to asking everyone you meet who lifts what sort of supplements they take, or what their workout routine is. Bay & the writers absolutely nailed the bodybuilding culture in all of it’s glory and absolute ridiculousness. All in all, this is a great film, and one I feel is only going to get better each time I watch it.

**** 1/2 out of 5


The Hangover Part III

A hangover is when you enjoy something, and then afterward you pay for it. Dearly. Well, I, along with everyone else enjoyed the hell out of The Hangover, and we’ve been paying for it ever since part II.

It’s not hyperbole at all when I say that I honestly didn’t even so much as chuckle during this film. Not once. The film seems like it was written by the type of person who enjoys Big Bang Theory. The kind of moron who thinks “Man, Alan & Chow are characters whose humor works in small doses, so let’s make them central characters and turn them up to 12! Because MORE IS FUNNY!”. Did you know Chow is a wacky gangster who’s sort of effeminate and likes cocaine? Oh, you didn’t? Well, you’ll know now because it’s made evident about 42 times during the film. Alan was an interesting character in the first one, who actually had his moments. So, if you like that, you’ll love the fact he’s pretty much front & center here, and a complete asshole in an attempt to make him a Dwight Schrute type character that every hack comedy writer tries to create these days.

The film flat out isn’t funny, and in place of a humor, the movie is very mean spirited. Why the hell they felt this would be a better route to go than keeping with the good-time vibe of the first is beyond me. I also find it odd that whoever wrote this had a huge problem with animals. There’s at least 4 on screen animal deaths, and 2 off. The people who wrote this film have no idea what funny is, and as such will secure them a bright future writing multiple sequels to The Change-Up, Grown-Ups, any Dane Cook film, plus multiple episodes of Chuck Lorre ‘comedies’.

** out of 5


~ by Caliber Winfield on June 9, 2013.

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