Monday Nitro – August 21st, 2000 – Sebastian

nitroaugust21st

Before I get into the review I feel I need to explain something to you people, I am really fucking tired so it might not be as good as everything else I’ve written. I mean, its still going to be great, and the best thing on the ‘Net but it might not be up to the high standards I’ve set for myself. What happened was I got about seven to six and half hours of sleep and felt fine, but a little bit groggy so I decided to lay down for a bit. After two hours of insomnia I decided to drink some Coffee but I’m still really droggy right now, I’m trying everything to wake myself up but its hard to form whole thoughts right now. Also, I thought its worth mentioning that of this writing on July 7th, 2013, its the 25th anniversary of Shawn Michaels debut as part of the Rockers in the WWF. But yeah, I’m pretty fucking tired and I’m going to do my best, but I’m not promising this review is going to come out great. I’m literally having trouble keeping my eyes open.

Russo is on the phone and Jeff Jarrett runs in yelling about Goldberg. Jeff wants to wrestle him and Russo tells him Scott’s coming and to go wait with Kevin. Hmm, that doesn’t make that much sense to me even in my exhausted state, why would the cowardly heel want to fight the shit brickhouse of a face in Goldberg?

1st Match: Elix Skipper w/ Lance Storm who’s on Commentary vs Chavo Gurrerro w/ General Rection

Elix Skipper and Lance Storm are all pimped out in Canadian clothes. I’m starting to like Canada more because I’ve been reading 70s X Men comics and Wolverine’s a total badass.

Chavo starts off fast with a soop slam followed by a dropkick. Chavo brings Elix in the corner and chops him. Chavo catches Elix with a rana followed by a backdrop suplex. Chavo goes up but Lance Storm hits Chavo with the Canadian Flag giving Elix two. General Rection attacks Lance and fights him into the crowd. Chavo grabs a chair for some reason and the Referee throws it out of the ring allowing Elix to put a ring on and ko Chavo with it for the win.

1.0/5.0 Chavo carried big time here as Elix was just kind of there, still an exciting first match and not a bad way to start off the show. Really, really short though.

Vince Russo comes out with security and starts cutting one of the most hilarious promos ever. He says he promised that he would stay off TV but every time he leaves the fans keep on bringing him back in. What fucking fans? Who said, “Oh shit! We need Vince Russo back on television!”? Anyway, Goldberg comes out of the fans and takes out the guards but Vince reminds Goldberg that he can’t do anything because it will breach Goldberg’s contract. And then right after that Vince gives Goldberg a contract telling him if he signs it he’s done in WCW and can show up Monday where ever he wants, and he’ll pay him in full. Goldberg looks at the contract for a little bit and then tears it up. He should’ve eaten it. Vince says he’s going to make Goldberg’s life a living hell as he has Nash, Jarrett, and Steiner all ready to fight him. Then Vince mentions Goldberg’s girlfriend and Goldberg gets pissed, and chokes Russo when Steiner comes on the Titantron saying that he’s getting Goldberg back tonight. Scott Steiner then runs into Goldberg’s girlfriend’s house (Beth) and kidnaps her. This is the most hilariously stupid shit ever, if WCW continues like this I might end up enjoying it ironically. Goldberg runs to the back leaving Russo in the ring and then CAN YOU DIG IT SUCKA!?

Booker T comes out and tells Russo to tell Nash that he’s, “Going to be so far up Nash’s behind that he won’t be able to move.” Russo tells Booker that he made him and that Booker isn’t cool enough to tell him what to do. Booker hits Vince with the Scissors Kick. That little segment wasn’t that bad, you had the fake out with Goldberg who couldn’t hit Russo so the fans thought he was going to get away scott free but Booker didn’t have any problem with it, pretty smart actually even if it doesn’t make that much sense ( Like in Goldberg’s contract does it say in big letters DON’T ATTACK RUSSO but for anyone else it doesn’t?).

Goldberg rides away on his motorcycle. Jackhammer of Anarchy?

2nd Match: Kee-Wee and Paisley vs Corporal Cajun and Major Gunns

Pee Wee’s just so… gay. Literally, I’ve never seen a gay guy try to show that they were this gay. He’s wearing all pink, has glitter all over himself, and keeps on touching his lips. Paisley pushes Gunns who’s on the apron. Cajun and Pee Wee are starting off. Cajun hits some fast paced spotty stuff, dropkick followed by some punches in bunches into a two count that Paisley breaks up. Cajun with a whip and a punch, and Cajun tags in Gunns who hits one of the most awkward sunset flips ever for two. Gunns tags back out to Cajun and Pee Wee hits a scoop slam, and some boots as now he’s angry. Cajun comes back with one of the worst Northern Lights Suplexes I’ve ever seen. Cajun catapults Pee Wee into Paisley. Gunns hits Paisley with ass to the face for two as Kee Wee breaks it up. Cajun takes him out on the outside and Cajun press slams Gunns into Paisley.

2.0/5.0 Kind of awkward but it was so fast paced it made up for the weaknesses and never dragged even though it was only like five minutes. Cajun was carrying big time in this match too and every time Gunns did a move it looked really awkward and horrible.

Three Count’s inside the ring with Tank Abbot to dance to their new song that I guess Tank Abbot wrote. This song’s pretty awesome, its about ripping off dude’s ears and how its nothing but a Tank thing. And it gets even better as Tank starts talking about ripping off dude’s spleens and eating their guts. Tank gets mad though and says its not perfect, and that everything’s wrong. Its hilarious because Tank is always playing this badass and he went into whiny critic mode, its awesome. Then the fucking ICP and Vampiro come out, and somehow take out Tank Abbot, and all of Three Count. WHAT!? HOW!? The ICP are singers, are you telling me these out of shape guys who never wrestle can somehow beat a guy who stood toe to toe with Goldberg, and probably the best tag team in WCW at the time? Vampiro plugs Juggalo’s lame assed company JCW. Yeah, I’ve read Scott Keith’s reviews on them forever ago and I remember him saying they were absolutely horrible.

Scott Keith on the Juggalo Championship Wrestling Volume 1: “The Bottom Line: You know how I’ve sometimes said that a match was good, but you’ll enjoy it more if you turn down the sound? Well, this is the total opposite: Everything sucked, but if you turn the sound UP you’ll enjoy it way more. The ICP are incredibly funny on commentary, turning the entire tape into a hilarious parody of a bad wrestling promotion and all the cliches therein. If you watch without the ironic commentary, you’ll just notice that’s it a bad wrestling promotion with all the cliches therein. And no one wants that.”

So yeah, if you want to have a good laugh you might want to watch that.

Natural Born Thrillers come out and something that gets me is that everyone’s wearing wrestling boots except for Sean Stastiak who’s wearing fucking sandals with socks for some reason. Mike Sanders just does that boring thing were he talks about how great everyone in the faction is for three minutes. Sanders then says he’s going to give your children someone to look up to, the guys a reason to go to the gym, and the women a reason to be happy every night. Really, they seem really fucking generic. I’ve heard that exact same promo from Val Venis every Raw from 1999. Konnan comes out and says that promo was horrible, pssh, it wasn’t bad, just generic, and fucking Konnan should never talk about how someone’s promos are bad.

We come back from commercial and we have a in progress match.

3rd Match: Natural Born Thrillers vs The Filthy Animals

We’re starting with Sean O’Hare in the ring with Juvi Juice who hits a lot of fast paced moves but Sean catches him with a sit down powerbomb for two. Sean tags in Jindrak. Juvi dodges a clothesline and hits a bulldog and then tags in Rey who hits a guillotine legdrop for two. Watching Rey in jeans without his mask on is just weird. Jindrak catches him with a sidewalk slam for two. Rey dodges under a clothesline and hits a dropkick to the knee. Disco gets in and does a drop toe hold that Rey hits a legdrop off of. Disco gets hit in the back by Mike Sanders. Tony Schiavone is the stupidest fucker ever as he says, “The back just told us that this is not a title match, its a six man tag team match.” Jeez, I couldn’t tell that by the fact that its a fucking SIX MAN TAG MATCH!

Jindrak hits Disco with a clothesline for two and tags in O’Hare by kicking his hand. Well that was… different. Sean misses a splash in the corner and Disco hits a bulldog. Juvi hits a springboard kick to Sean. Boots in the corner by Juvi and the ten punch in the corner. Its just too weird seeing Juvi control Sean. Juvi hits a rana off the top for two. Rey goes up top but Mark kicks Rey into the ropes and Sean hits a suplex and then tags in Disco. Mark in and he hits a press slam for two. Damn, this match just won’t end. Its not horrible but its not really telling a story either, its kind of a spot fest if anything. Sanders and Juvi get tagged in and Juvi hits a headscissors takedown and Disco gets tagged in, and they do that jumping on the other guy onto the opponet thing. Disco hits Mark with a DDT and sets him for a Bronco Buster as Rey puts his nuts all over Mark. Then they get Tygress in there to do it and Konnan yells, “A faceful of stuff,” like literally twenty times in a row. Jindrak goes for a powerbomb but Rey ranas him to the outside and Sanders his Sean with the Randy Orton type backbreaker for the win.

3.0/5.0 Fun spotfest but it didn’t really have any type of pace or story.

Goldberg has arrived at the hotel. Lets hope no one knows him and tries to get his autograph! My question is why would Goldberg not just call the cops? Also why would he go to the fucking hotel? Wouldn’t Steiner have left there by now? Unless Goldberg can use Batman’s Detective Mode I don’t think he’s going to catch him unless Scott decided to just sit in the Hotel room for twenty minutes.

4th Match: Booker T(C) vs Chuck Palumbo with Vince Russo as the Special Guest Referee for the World Heavyweight Championship

This match could be interesting because of the angle but why the fuck is the World Heavyweight Champion, and someone who the fans love, in the fourth match of the night? I guess Booker was the original Chris Jericho. Also, why is Chuck Palumbo getting a shot? He’s so boring and I can’t remember the last time he’s had a good singles match.

Onto the match as Booker is all in Palumbo’s ass hitting him with a bunch of fast paced moves and hits a weird suplex into pinfall that Russo doesn’t count. Ha, that’s kind of awesome actually, most guys do that lame shit were they count slowly and then act like there’s something in their eye, or they have to tie their shoes but Russo doesn’t even count. Booker jaws with Russo giving Palumbo a chance to attack him and what would normally be a one count is a two and a half. Booker rolls up Palumbo but Vince takes a really long time getting to count and Booker doesn’t even get one. Palumbo does a back submission and Russo just yells at Booker to give up. I know everyone hates Russo but he’s actually quite entertaining in this match. Booker fights out of the submission and hits an elbow. Elbows and then a backdrop suplex. Russo yells at Chuck to get up, this is just hilarious. Chuck hits Booker with an eye rake right in front of Russo. Booker comes back with a clothesline followed by his superkick but then The Natural Born Thrillers come in. Booker takes out everyone but Reno who hits him with a weird inverted DDT neckbreaker type thing. Vito runs in and takes out everyone out but then Kevin Nash comes in and takes out Booker T with a chair and Palumbo wins.

DUD Horrid match, totally overbooked, but Russo was really funny and entertaining here.

So Chuck grans the title but then Ernest Miller comes out with some moderately hot black chick. Ernest miller comes to the ring and says that Vince Russo is a writer, and they have the same amount of power, and they can’t overrule each other. And right after saying he can’t overrule Vince he overrules the ending of the match and says that Palumbo didn’t really win that match. He gives the title back to Booker T. Booker T says he doesn’t want the title because he didn’t pin Palumbo so Ernest Miller restarts the match, and kicks Russo out of the ring, and makes him do commentary. Dear God, why would you punish me like that Ernest?

Restart of the 4th Match: : Booker T(C) vs Chuck Palumbo with Ernest Miller as the Special Guest Referee for the World Heavyweight Championship

Booker makes short work of Palumbo and hits his signatures, and beats him in about under two minutes.

Goldberg gets to the hotel and there’s something written in the mirror, and Goldberg somehow just knows that Steiner’s back at Nitro. Wow, what a waste of fucking time. So if Goldberg had just stayed at the arena the whole time he would’ve actually had a better chance of finding Steiner.

5th Match: Vampiro (JCW Champion) vs Tank Abbott

The ICP are on commentary and talk about how Tank has to actually fight in this wrestling match because its real unlike the fake Octagon fighting. They’re somewhat humorous for the two minutes they’re on commentary but then Tank ko’s the Referee and the ICP come in the ring. Tank takes them all out until The Great Muta sprays him with Green Mist; The ICP all stomp on Tank ’till Three Count run in and the ICP run away through the crowd.

5.0/5.0 A masterpiece of storytelling with suspense and excitement blended into one.

Scott Steiner has Goldberg’s hoe. Vince is mad at Vito for interfering in the match tonight and puts him in a match with Goldberg.

6th Match: Kronic vs Norman Smiley (C) for the Hardcore Championship (Hardcore Match)

Wha.. wha… wha…

Clarke gets distracted and Norman gets a couple of kendo shots in but Clarke grabs the kendo stick and just beats the crap out of Norman with it. Clarke boots Norman in the corner but Norman jumps over Clarke but instead of taking advantage he wiggles, which allows Clarke to big boot Norman. Shoulderblock to the outside and Norman slaps Bryan Adams who was chilling on the outside. Adams runs in the ring and hits Norman with a Full Nelson slam. Clarke hits a Pump Handle Slam. I guess the story here is that Norman wants to get rid of the hardcore title. So, Kronic have Norman beat but want to fuck him up for some reason. Adams gives Clarke a table. Clarke goes to set up Norman on it when the Harris Boys come out and ko Kronic, and send through Clarke through the table. Then they push Norman onto Clarke for the win.

DUD Nice swerve though, I was wondering what was going to happen at the end.

Ernest Miller acts like a total dick bag backstage to Lance Storm saying that he hates all Canadians, and that he’s putting Lance Storm in a tag team match, and whoever pins Lance, whether it be his opponents or his own tag team partner, Lance is going to have to give up the title. This makes Ernest look like the douchebag heel and Lance look like a valiant hero even though they’re supposed to have their roles reversed.

7th Match: Kevin Nash vs Vito

Vito’s been building up his character as a total badass and it’s possible they  could have a good match but I’m kind of scared they’re just going to squash Vito.

Lock up and Nash knees Vito into the corner. More knees in the corner followed up by some elbows, and then that choke with the boot thing he does. Nash goes for snake eyes but Vito gets out and hits a superkick. Vito suplexes Nash! Vito goes up and hits a nice looking elbow drop for two and a half! Leg drop and an elbowdrop by Vito. He goes up and hits a headbutt for two. Nash is doing a great job of kicking out at the very last second. Vito brings Nash into the corner with punches in bunches but Nash catches him with a boot, and a clothesline. Sidewalk slam for two. Snake eyes into a chokeslam for two. Big boot by Nash and he signals for the power bomb. STRAPS DOWN! Nash hits the powerbomb… and damn, Nash’s powerbomb does look really sick. Nash goes for a second powerbomb but Booker runs in to end the match.

2.5/5.0 They gave Vito some offense and actually made him look pretty good so I’m happy.

Booker hits the Superkick to Nash sending him to the back. Vito tells the EMT that he doesn’t need medical help because he’s too manly.

8th Match: Lance Storm (Canadian Championship) and Jeff Jarrett vs General Rection and Mike Awesome

Lance Storm has this huge Canadian Flag above his head being held up by wires. You know what Caliber? Just put a giant photo of Wolverine here because CANADA!

wolverineJeff Jarrett comes out showing he is the mystery partner and he does it in the middle of Storm’s intro. Its important to remember here that Jarrett can pin Lance Storm for the title.

General Rection and Lance Storm start off and Rection hits a press slam, and knocks Jarrett off the apron with a punch. That gave Lance time to get back up and he hits a superkick. Dropkick for two as Jarrett breaks up the pinfall. Rection rolls up Lance for two. Rection takes out Lance and Jarrett with punches, and hits Lance with a powerslam. Rection goes up to the top but misses an elbowdrop. Lance into a drop toe hold into a half crab but Awesome gets in. Jeez, Storm can just not get a break here. Awesome hits the Awesome Bomb for two but Jarrett breaks it up and fights with Awesome on the outside. Rection hits Storm with a moonsault on the inside and has the match won, but Elix Skipper runs in only to get backdropped out by Rection. Rection goes to the outside to brawl with Skipper and Awesome runs in, and he goes for the Awesome Bomb but Lance rolls out. Jarrett goes to hit Lance with the Guitar but Lance dodges and Jarrett hits Awesome with the guitar. Lance pins Awesome off of that.

DUD Horrid match but a fun angle as there was a good element of suspense over what was going to happen.

Scott Steiner brings Goldberg’s Hoe to the ring with him. Scott cuts a promo saying he doesn’t care about anything but his freaks, and that Goldberg crossed the line when he hurt Madija last week. Steiner’s kind of got a point here honestly, why would the good guy, Goldberg attack an innocent hook… woman? Goldberg comes down to the ring and its hilarious how unconcerned he looks. He’s just slowly strolling down to the ring and Jarrett comes from behind and wallops Goldberg with a chair. Jarrett throws Goldberg in; Stiener and Jarrett boot down Goldberg for a bit till Booker comes down to the ring for the save only for Nash to come out to attack Booker. Then Goldberg fights back AND THEN FUCKING RICK STEINER RUNS IN! This is so overbooked I can’t see straight. Rick hits Booker with a pipe and for some reason Rick has fucking handcuffs. Two pairs of them! They handcuff Booker to one side of the ring and Goldberg to the other. Scott puts Goldberg’s woman in the Recliner and it looks super un-paninful. It actually looks like the woman’s taking a nap. After a while Scott gets bored and beats up Goldberg.

Final Thoughts: Wrestling wise, hell even progressively wise this was one of the worst shows of all time. You had next to no progression for any angle other than Goldberg/Steiner and maybe showing that Vito’s a badass. The whole show seemed like a total waste, you had no matches above three stars, and any analyst would say this show was horrible, because, well it was. However, I loved it. This show was so bad it was fun. It never had me groaning or going, “Oh God, I hate doing this!” The show was really fast paced, and cheesy, and fun. You had that ridiculously stupid angle with Goldberg/Steiner were Goldberg chased down Steiner for an hour and a half only to realize that he was in the arena the whole time. You had a pointless World Title Match, the ICP, but it was so much fun while being so bad. Vince Russo was great as an evil Referee, the Steiner/Goldberg thing was so cheesy it was fun, and even though the matches were not by any stretch good they never dragged, and were so fast that they didn’t have time to develop weaknesses. A really fun, horrible show, if you want to see how a show can be fun with the least wrestling possible, check this out.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on July 10, 2013.

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