Monday Nitro – August 28th, 2000 – Caliber
The Nitro starts off with a flash back montage of the nWo 2000. Why? I have absolutely no idea. A limo pulls up with Jarrett, Nash, Steiner, and Russo inside. Didn’t Steiner just turn on Nash like a month ago?
3 Count vs The Dark Carnival
This is a God-awful match. There’s a generous amount of botches, and the usual crap that comes with Vampiro. We’re also blessed with Muta on commentary, where he does nothing but repeat the same phrase in Japanese & make motor boat noises with his mouth. Shannon is finally put down after Nail in the Coffin, Samoan Drop from Violent J, and a botched Guillotine Leg Drop from Shaggy 2 Dope. After the pin, Tank Abbot shows up, and is apparently pissed about being beat up by 3 Count. He starts taking them out, which brings in the Dark Carnival for some reason, which then brings out The Demon, which then brings out Sting. Thankfully this is all over quickly.
Shannon Moore is pinned by Vampiro after a trifecta of finishers at 3:00 | DUD
Russo is now coming out with nWo 2000, and the Natural Born Thrillers, which is comprised of Jindrak & O’Haire and others. Madden says Russo needs an army. What about New Blood?! Was there not just a PPV called New Blood Rising?! It was seriously just forgotten about. Now the band is back together. AGAIN. The almighty nWo 2000 that was together for a cool 3 days. And of course, Goldberg is a face and Nash is a heel. Despite the fact things were reversed 2 weeks ago, and no one ever said they were good now, or bad, or did anything to show their allegiance to another side. They simply came out one day and so it was. They all cut very original promos that I’ve never heard before. Did you Jarrett had a stroke, and I’m a slap ass? It must come as a shock to you that Scott Steiner likes his arms and would have sex with a dirty mattress if possible, but there’s no way he could go about his preferred sexual method, date rape. Nash makes sure everyone knows he only cares about money & titles. Booker T comes out to make sure this interview segment lasts for a at least 5 hours. He’s gonna beat up some player haters. The Cat comes out in a cowboy hat, Russo calls him Dolemite, and they decide to go to the ring and fight. Shockingly, 2 on 4 doesn’t go well. But thankfully the Filthy Animals come out, and then 10 seconds later their music plays. They get beat up too. Now we get footage of Goldberg digging a grave out in the desert. He’s also got SERIOUS swamp cock. No joke, the front of his jeans are soaked in sweat. Like just his crotch ran 10 miles in the desert.
Paisley vs Tigress vs Major Gunns
Oh man. Fucking bummer. Tigress hits Gunns with a forearm and goes for the pin, in which Gunns is too stupid to kick out of, so the ref counts three. And the announcer declares Tigress the winner. Yet they keep wrestling, and Tony says it was a two count. OK. Gunns gets knocked down again, Tigress goes to give Paisley a high-five but they botch it, and Paisley just walks out. Then we get footage of the Filthy Animals beating up the Natural Born Thrillers. This match is never spoken of again. It’s pretty shocking when you expect something to be beyond terrible, and then it’s even worse. It’s like you’re about to get kicked in the balls, but some how the foot of said person kicking you actually goes up your dick.
There was 22 seconds of whatever the fuck was suppose to be going on | DUD
We get a clip of Jarrett outside, saying he’s got a surprise for Goldberg. That surprise is a truck full of guitars. He says he’s got one for “Goldberg” and one for “Bill”. Uh-huh.
Kronick vs Harris Brothers
It’s a House of Pain match. Which takes place in a cage, and the only way to win is hand-cuff your opponents to the cage and then beat the hell out of them. I’m willing to bet someone wins in a way much different than the sanctioned way of winning. So, they fight for about a minute, then a Harris brother is thrown into the side of the cage, which gives way, and he heads outside. Both teams are outside when a Harris brother starts to tussle with a fan that’s a plant, and then starts a tussle with another fan, or is it security, it’s not really known. Then all of a sudden the bell just rings, and we cut to Lance Storm
& Elix Skipper walking backstage. This match is never mentioned again.
I don’t care if the remainder of this show is the greatest wrestling the world has ever seen, as based on what I’ve just witnessed in the first half n hour, this is the worst wrestling program of all time.
Lance Storm comes out to challenge an MIA member to a POW match. Whoever wins gets to take a member of the losers team as prisoner. It’s now a tables match. Hell, I don’t even care about match quality at this point, I’ll be surprised if they actually just finish the match coherently.
Lance Storm vs A-Wall – Tables POW Match
They brawl for a moment, then Lance kicks A-Wall off the apron through a table. Lance then takes Major Gunns prisoner. It actually ended. I’m shocked.
Lance kicks A-Wall through a table at 1:07 | *
Rick Steiner vs Mike Awesome – Bunkhouse Match
They fight for about a minute thirty, then as Awesome is about to powerbomb Steiner through a table, Jarrett runs in and hits him with a pipe. Steiner then suplexes him through the table and grabs the pin.
Steiner hits Awesome with a suplex for the win at 1:51 | *
Kevin Nash vs Booker T [C] – WCW Champion
Jarrett is surprising everyone by being an impartial ref. He soon kicks Steiner to the backstage after some interference. They have what is easily the match of the night, and you know it’s a WCW show when MOTN is a cool two stars. So, because Jarrett was acting like he’d turn on the bad guys, he’s really with the bad guys. At which point Tony yells “It’s a set up!”. How exactly is this a set up? He was with them at the beginning of the match, and we were told that Russo would screw Booker. If I see milk in the fridge, and tell Tony there’s milk in the fridge, and he sees there’s milk in the fridge, does he think I’m a fortune teller? So, Jarrett nails Booker with the guitar, Nash powerbombs him, and we’ve got a new champion. The collective amount of money all the people involved in this match were earning makes me weep.
Nash wins after a Jackknife at 7:32 | **
Shane Douglas comes out to challenge Kidman to a scaffold match. Keep in mind this feud has been going on for 40 years, and it’s all because Shane Douglas is better at sex. Or something. He’s hosting this interview up on the second level of the arena. For some reason, Crowbar comes out, and Douglas throws him over the edge through a table. Shane heads to the ring and says that there’s no one man enough to face him. This of course brings out Goldberg, and he makes short work of Shane. He tells him he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. How, exactly? If I challenge someone to a fight and said person shows up, how is that wrong place wrong time? He’s in a wrestling ring, on a wrestling show.
We get footage of Nash taking a shower, singing Jimmy Buffet, when he’s attacked by Booker T.
Jeff Jarrett vs Big Vito
Decent match with Vito controlling almost the entire thing. Vito goes for the Jumping DDT, but Jarrett turns into the Stroke for the pin. Why is it so difficult for Russo to have people perform matches like this? I hate that man.
Jarrett hits the Stroke for the pin at 3:55 | *
Double J goes back out to his guitar truck, as it’s revealed that Awesome is hiding beneath a bunch of them. He proceeds to kick Jeff’s ass, culminating in a powerslam into the bed of the truck. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just duck behind the truck as opposed to burying yourself under a bunch of acoustic guitars?
Natural Born Thrillers vs Filthy Animals
I’m not joking when I say this, but I fell asleep watching this match. Then I had to rewind to recap it, and fell asleep again. Not much happens, and it ends when some guy I’ve never seen, and I don’t believe went on to do anything else, wins with a Neckbreaker on Tigress for the pin.
Random Guy wins with neckbreaker at 3:25 | *
Goldberg takes out Steiner in his dressing room.
So, this entire stupid show has been building to Goldberg getting Russo. Vince finally gets someone to back him, Big Vito, as they head to the ring. Goldberg comes out, and now Russo isn’t afraid. He says if Goldberg hits him, he’s fired. So, he’s afraid the whole night but now he isn’t? Why would he even bother to be afraid if Goldberg couldn’t touch him? Vito of course pummels Russo while Goldberg laughs. You know, my resentment is slowly turning from Russo to you, the reader. Damn you for demanding the goods. Oh God this show is so fucking terrible.
Great Muta vs Sting
They brawl for a little while, and work their way up to the Nitro entrance. Vampiro cuts open the screen and comes out, as two streams of smoke shoot up from the ramp. Of course, Sting missed his cue and just has to look at the smoke, then turn his back when it’s done so Vampiro can gently let himself down and nail Sting with the kendo stick. Vampiro eventually runs up screen, and Sting follows. Of course the ICP are there, and along with Vamp & Muta, they beat the hell out of Sting.
We follow Goldberg back out to the Mexico dessert where he’s waiting with Russo. Bret shows up and says he wants to bury Russo for what he did to him at Survivor Series. Yes, as we all know, Russo was the absolute mastermind. Naturally, Goldberg turns his back and Bret nails him with a shovel because he ruined his career, and by the grace of God, the show is over.
Showcase Showdown: THIS WAS THE WORST FUCKING SHOW I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.