Horror B-Sides – October 4th, 2013
JAWS: The Revenge – 1987
Everyone knows that JAWS the original is an awesome film. As classic as classic horror gets. However, the shark in that film compared to the shark in JAWS: The Revenge is a total pussy. Is the shark in JAWS bad-ass enough to know what humans are related to one another? I state that he is not! However the shark in JTR knows just about everyone’s geneology and is out to ruin your fucking shit because your asshole husband is out blowing up sharks. Does the shark in JAWS have the ability to roar?! Hell no! He’d be afraid of hurting his shark vagina! But the shark in JTR is all about roaring, screaming, and pitching a total bad-ass fit! Check out the clip from today, which is the end of JAWS: The Revenge. For those who don’t know the plot to the film, a shark who’s either related to, friends with, or was owed shark-money from the sharks in JAWS 1 & 2, kills one the sons of the family whose father killed the first two sharks. Yeah, he’s not taking any shit. So, the mother moves to the Bahamas to be with the other son, and the shark, super pissed, follows her and begins flexing his sharkness there. So, eventually it’s go time. Near the end, they keep zapping the shark with this sonar deal that’s basically like a sonic-soundwave punch to his shark-hangdang, causing him to roar like a lion. Yeah, every other shark out there is a bitch because I never hear them make a peep. Man, what a bad-ass shark. Had they made a 5th one, the only way they could have upped the bad-ass ante would be to get Steven Seagal to play the shark. Oh shit.