A Tribute to the Burliest Bullies of the 80’s
The 80’s was the hey-day & zenith for quite a few things. Heavy Metal, MTV, action movies, and the color neon. However, there was something else that was forged in the creative fires that were the 80’s, that reached the levels of my previous examples, triumphant from the get go. Today, I pay tribute to the burliest bullies of the 1980s.
The 80’s was the age of the bully. Ever since then however, they’ve dried out. Vanished. Poof. Gone is the age where an overbearing asshole made people’s lives miserable for a living. Who stomped your lunch & your colon all in the same day, because you simply deserved it. Or didn’t. That’s a moot point. He’s here to ruin your face because last week you bruised his knuckles from having such a hard neck. Let’s get started:
Lucas Barton – The Wizard – 1989
There’s a lot of reasons why Lucas is one of the burliest bullies of all time. How many reasons exactly? 97, motherfucker. That’s right, Lucas not only knows the intricate details of every NES game, he OWNS them. And he isn’t just shilling his game collection in some bullshit tupperware bin like a pussy. He’s got them in sleek black cases [aka pantie droppers] with latches! He pops them bitches open and tadow, motherfucker, every game you could imagine. Now, if that weren’t enough to put him in the BBHOF, you better get ready for this: HE HAS THE POWER GLOVE! He’s able to play a game by just moving his hand! Plus he has some rockin’ fashion sense. Sporting bad-ass black sunglasses, on some Cory Hart shit. You don’t mess around with a guy who’s shades are on. On top of that, he wears black jean jackets, and t-shirts that are at least 10 times too big. Only bad-asses wear shirts that could be confused as bed-sheets.
What a person owns doesn’t necessarily make them a bad-ass, unless it’s a chainsaw that has a crossbow attached or something. Anyway, it’s their actions make them the bad-ass. Now, for those that don’t know…wait, you know, if you don’t know The Wizard, then go to hell. So, Lucas heads to Video Armageddon, the biggest video game tournament in the World. It’s basically like Bloodsport, but with the NES. Lucas makes it to the final Top 3, which he could have done with the Power Glove if need be. Hell, he probably has a Power Condom too. Man, that’d be so awesome. How many people can say they’ve played Rad Racer with their dick? Anyway, there’s 2 others. A kid named Jimmy, and a total nerd named Mora Grissum. She’s a girl, so obviously she slept with the guy who says “NINJA GAI-DEN! HIYA!” to get her spot. Lucas knows that Jimmy isn’t a bad-ass due to the fact he doesn’t wear shades, and has never won a video game with a fist. So he tries to get him out of the tournament by ratting him out to the child-services hunter. It doesn’t work, because the hunter isn’t a bad-ass, except for the fact he digs slurpees. Well, Jimmy & Lucas go head to head in the tourney, and fucking Jimmy CHEATS! Like a bitch! Here’s Lucas, fighting the good fight, trying to bang bitches & crush video games, but then Jimmy comes in like a bitch and uses the warp flute! Who knew about that? No one! It’s a brand new game! It’s bullshit, and yet Jimmy is treated like a hero while Lucas is rockin’ a 10XL t-shirt and beating games with the Power Ski-Suit.
On top of all this, he’s got chicks falling all over him, just looking to dump Fred Savage and hang with his bad-ass crew and ALL, I repeat, ALL 97 video games.
Biff Tannen – Back To The Future 1, 2, 3 – 1985, 1989, 1990
Do I even need to do a write up here? Biff Tannen is such a burly motherfucker that it spans over 3 centuries!
Back in the 1800’s he killing people, dancin’ with phillies, shooting stupid horses, and drinking bottles of fine Kentucky Red Eye. There were a lot of bad-asses in the old west due to the fact no one bathed, and thought being drunk added years to your life, making it difficult to stand out amongst the pack. However, Mad Dog Tannen is able to do so by doing a few things. First off, he keeps a meticulous schedule. By meticulous schedule, I mean he does his killin’ before breakfast. Everyone else is probably off all killing people willy nilly, but MD does it before slammin’ down some flapjacks with a bottle of fine Kentucky Red Eye!
In the 1950’s, you know Biff is a bad-ass because his car is so afraid of him it won’t start for anyone but him. If it did, Biff would probably be the first person to ever get so mad at an inanimate object that he punched it in the balls. When it comes to women, Biff has the motto of “they all want it, and they wall want me to give it to them”. Hell, some women are so stupid they’re unaware of how bad they want Biff to give it to’em. Then here he is, looking out for their well being by constantly reminding them, and still they have the gaul to act like he’s getting all rapey!
One time, while simply trying to remind George McFly of where he is and isn’t suppose to be, he’s attacked! Now, most people would have a problem with trying to commit vehicular homicide in front of about 100 witnesses, but not Biff. He’s such a bad-ass that the longer he goes without murdering someone with his car, the more pissed he becomes.
A lot of people discriminate, but Biff isn’t one of them. He’s got no problem picking on people his own age, as well as children. When a group of snot-nosed shits get in his way, or weren’t, whatever, he throws their ball far from their reach and laughs in their face. Most people wouldn’t treat everyone as equal like him, but, he’s a bad-ass.
1980’s Biff is when he reaches his bad-ass crescendo. Outside of his own hotel/casino, which was converted from the former Hill Valley dilapidated court house, Biff has his own life-story video running next to a bad-ass mannequin of himself. You tell a girl you have a video of your life story playing next to a mannequin of you 24/7, then you better have your hands out, ’cause she’s gonna wanna throw her titties into’em.
He wears silk-robes, drinks, hot-tubs with chicks while watching Clint Eastwood movies & forcing a woman who hates him to stay after he killed her husband. He also has an awesome collection of those black-velvet/felt paintings of hot 80’s tail. By law you can’t own one of those unless someone has asked to borrow the snow gloves you’re wearing and you had to respond “Those aren’t gloves. That’s the hair on my knuckles”. You can be grandfathered in however if you already own a red-telephone underneath a glass cake case. He shoots at people for simply asking questions, and on another timeline he has bitchin’ plaid pants that someone needs to pay for the dry-cleaning on.
All The Bullies From The Karate Kid Trilogy
Make way, for one of the biggest bad-asses in the realm of bully; Johnny from the Cobra Kai. He’s one of the most level-headed bullies of all time, as he holds true to the First & Only Rule of Man: the key to every problem is violence.
After breaking up with his girlfriend, Johnny is out with the Kai, looking for pussy on their bad-ass dirt bikes with matching leather jackets & head-bands. Well, well, what does he find? His ex-girlfriend being a total slut and talking to some nerd on the beach! Johnny heads down to talk to her about it [IE have some sex with her about it. Bullies don’t talk about shit. If it can’t be beat or sexed it ain’t worth it]. As he’s trying to be a gentleman, she keeps listening to her boombox. Since she’s a female, she has shitty taste in music, which have made John mad if he wasn’t born mad. All of a sudden, the nerd comes over trying to AlphaMale his shit all over the place, and he doesn’t even have a leather jacket & head-band! He tries to resolve the situation peacefully, like a dick, so Johnny has no choice but to beat the shit out of him.
Later, Johnny and the gang plays a hilarious prank on Daniel where they try and kill him by pushing him down a hill on his bike. Naturally, Daniel didn’t get the joke and takes the attempted murder personally, like a bitch.
Outside of his bulling activities, Johnny is an athlete, playing a sport that sees him kicking people in the face every day, while rocking a SLEEVELESS uniform. Other fighters are walking around with their sleeves on, which means you have to look out for when they try and hit you with their purse.
Don’t let the nicely built blonde hair fool you; Johnny will insult you & your mom, force himself on your girlfriend, and try to kill you as a joke.
Honestly, he pretty much ties with Johnny. You see, Chozen has obtained the other First & Only Rule of Man: Everything is YOUR fault.
Trying to cheat villagers out of money, and you break my weights exposing my business scheme and I’m no longer able to make easy money? That’s YOUR fault!
I lose money when I force you to break ice I think you can’t and then you do it? That’s YOUR fault!
There’s a giant storm going on and the villagers feel that a 5 year old girl needs to be the one to climb up 20 feet and ring the alarm bell. Well, she gets stuck as the storm gets worse & worse. You go out to save her while I’m too busy not going out to help, and thus I’ve lost all my honor in the eyes of my Sensi & people. That’s YOUR fault!
Finally, the village is at peace and having this nerd fest where every one is happy and dancing, when Chozen decides to bust that shit up with the quickness, because he astutely surmised that NO ONE was having their shit ruined, and he needed to be the one to right that wrong. He shows up, beats up a girl, then demands Daniel fight him. And yeah, he wants to fight for points. FUCKING WRONG! He wants to fight to the death, son! You better believe he came in a sleeveless uniform too.
He’s Karate’s Bad Boy! He’s all about hurting people, and being a classic all around dick. He insist on Daniel facing him in the All-Valley Karate Tournament, because if he gets his title, then he’s going to make a ton of money. He has absolutely no problem letting people die, and or killing them himself to get what he wants. He’s also down with beating women, and worse of all, he has zero respect for Bonsai Trees. He doesn’t get much spot-light as the others, because the real bully is Terry Silver, who is of course besties with the greatest bully of all time, John Kreese. What, you don’t know who Terry Silver is? OK, you must be the one female who reads my work then.
Terry Silver is a bad-ass billionaire who made his money the way all bullies in the 80’s do, TOXIC WASTE. Man, you know you’re a bad-ass when you’re bullying the environment. The dude just wakes up pissed off and is like “Fuck trees! Fuck fresh water!”. How awesome. Well, much like all rich & successful guys, he drops everything with the quickness to help his best friend, John Kreese, get revenge against a teenager & a senior citizen. Why? Because! Those assholes ruined John’s business! He was simply choking out a 17 year old in public before attacking an old guy…and…hey, fuck you, it’s THEIR FAULT! What’s also rad is that Terry was in Vietnam, despite looking to be about 25 in this film, meaning he was 2 or 3 when the war started. That’s pretty fucking burly, to be in a war before you’re even in school. But hey, that’s what a bad-ass does.