Paying Tribute To Final Fight

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In this day and age, everything is done with talking, emotion, stupid rational thought and in some cases, letting “trained professionals” handle certain situations. However, there was a time when all that bullshit was just that; bullshit. Problems popped up, and you dealt with’em. Hell, sometimes problems didn’t pop up and you still dealt with’em. Nowadays things are so out of wack that a woman will ask what you want first: your BJ or streak, instead of just blowing you while she cooked! In the glory days, if that sort of slight were to happen than Dr. Bad-Ass would have to prescribe a backbreaker to cure her naggingbitchidous! So let’s travel back to a simpler time. To a time when all bad guys wanted to do was kidnap kids & girlfriends, and the good guys always made sure to let those who serve & protect handle the situation. Because their right & left fists were respectively known as Serve & Protect.

In 1989, in an average American metropolis known as Metro City, a gang known as The Mad Gear Gang are up to a whole bunch of no good. They had the previous Mayor in their pocket, and now they’re trying to do the same to one Mike Haggar. Sure, the previous Mayor probably went along with it, purse & all, because he wasn’t a former pro-wrestler like Haggar. So, Mike tells them he’s gonna shove his foot up their respective dicks if they don’t amscray, and they respond by kidnapping his daughter, Jessica.

Big mistake.

Jessica is not only the daughter of Mike, she also happens to be the girlfriend to a certain bad-ass named Cody. Man, whatever happened to guy’s being named Cody? In the 90’s, everywhere you turned there was some bad-ass named Cody who would do Monster Truck rallies without a monster truck. Now, Cody happens to have a friend named Guy, a dude so burly he could kick you with his fist. OK, since you know the story, let’s learn more about our team of chest-hair sporting bad-asses who’ve never heard of manners.

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Imagine you’re driving down the street and you see a brawl going on. All of a sudden you think “Is that the Mayor of the city, piledriving a guy, shirtless?”. He’s got a mustache so thick & burly people often mistake it for a collection of 1970’s porno. As a former-wrestler, he deals with the Mad City gang via double-axe handles, piledrivers, and the most bad-ass move of all time: sticking your arms out in a T form and spinning in a circle. Clearly all the guys in UFC are dumb as hell, because I’ve never seen any of them use this fool-proof manuver. Mike also feels that fighting while wearing a shirt is for guys who would send their friends links to William Hung singing Ricky Martin, or the Star Wars kid. He enjoys lead-pipes, kicking barrels, and drop-kicks.

Cody

He’s the boyfriend to Jessica. He basically looks like Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell Goes Street Fighting. He’s no bullshit in attire, rocking a white shirt, and jeans so tight he buys’em in the paint department, along with a rockin’ pair of sneakers.

Guy

He’s bestfriend to Cody, and mobs around Metro City in an orange gi. He’s proficient in ninjutsu, as well as having some burly bangs. He was left out of the SNES version of the game because his presence & ass-kicking were forcing most kids to go through 2 puberties. Matter fact, when I first rented it, I went to school the following Monday and everyone asked why I was wearing ski-mitts in doors. I wasn’t. It was my knuckle-hair.

These 3 guys are the personification of burliness for a number of reasons:

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When most guys get hurt, they go to the hospital in order to get their vaginas checked out. When one of these guys need a fix-me-up, they punch a barrel and eat the available burger, turkey, or pizza lying there within.

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Some games will offer bonus levels that are usually something like painting a nursery, or not getting violently drunk in a formal social situation. But Final Fight? They created the most bad-ass bonus level in history: beating the shit out of a sedan automobile! The first time I played this with a friend he asked me if we were being forced to fight over a Lexus. He then learned we had the responsibility to beat the car into wreckage with our barehands, just like our forefathers had. Even better is when the bad guy comes out and screams “oh my car!”. Man, my teeth grew hair just thinking about that.

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In other video games, when you lose, you get a simple game over screen, and that’s it. Your guy just goes home and watches Rules of Engagement while he eats soy ice cream. But in Final Fight? When you lose, you get blown the fuck up! You think this game is even close to fucking around? Hell no. If Final Fight was a car, and there was a town called Fucking Around it was suppose to get to, Final Fight would have a woman driver who was trusted with the directions. That’s how far away from Fucking Around it is. When you lose, you’re strapped down ready to eat at least a 3 course meal, in which all 3 courses are dynamite. There’s no “Oh I’ve failed, time to get a manni-peddi”, you’re toast.

There’s a great array of villains. None of that typical bullshit. No, you get a bad-ass array of rouges who are so vicious that when they kick you in the junk, they don’t kick your balls, they kick the tubes inside, which is what really hurts. Diabolical.

The first end-level boss you meet is a ‘roided out Stevie Wonder.

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The second level boss is a bunch of Andre the Giants. No shit. They were purposely modeled after him, and they’re called Andre. Check out Haggar, not just giving him a jumping piledriver, but also driving his face up into his ass. Double bummer.

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Now, the sweetest move is that the end boss is in a wheel chair!

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Hell yeah, they know that dudes in wheel chairs are more than capable of being dick-heads. It’s about time we broach this subject! Besides kidnapping people, and running murderous gangs, this guy would probably take the normal parking spot right next to the handicapped spot, just to be a dick. Now of course, in this day and age, the video game would probably end with the good guys trying to help the evil wheel-chair man and rehabilitate him for the side of good. But Final Fight? THEY KICK HIM OUT OF A HIGH-RISE WINDOW! Then afterwards I bet they take his Handicap Parking deal so they can get the sweet spots at strip clubs & gyms.

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How many games are you kicking a guy who’s rockin’ a wheel-chair and crossbow through a window? Not counting Mario Brothers 2. Yeah, just one, Final Fight. Streets of Rage can suck it.

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~ by Caliber Winfield on April 9, 2014.

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