Monday Nitro – January 22nd, 2001 – Sebastian
Hey guys, for some reason wordpress won’t let me put in a break here, so the full report is gonna be here on the main page. I’ve made sure to threaten one of the children of the owner of wordpress in return. Justice served.
Jesus, another lazy weekend sitting around watching boring ass old movies and smoking a lot of weed. David dragged me to The Hunger Games Mocking Jay Part 1, and it was the most boring shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Two and a half hours of people in really unappealing costumes bitching and being miserable, the only excitement I derived from the film was near the end when they went to go save Pita Chips, but that was all build up and no action. Which is really, what the whole movie was like. It’s never really a good idea to see something that’s forcefully put into two parts because the one of the parts is going to suffer considerably. I also got poisoned over the weekend as my asshole friend put Hydrogen Peroxide in my water, [Note From Caliber: I don’t get it, that’s not even funny. It’s also dangerous.] and I think that got me higher than the pot. Anyway, enough bullshit, let gets into Nitro… which probably won’t be able to continue the good showing it had last week.
They show some highlights from the last Nitro, and something just occurred to me. How un-threatening is Kevin Nash’s team? It consists of Page, and Rick Steiner. Scott Steiner has already beaten Rick, and Page isn’t that big compared to the other wrestlers. Any who, we cut to Steiner and Friends re-watching that part were Sid breaks his leg, and snapping a chicken bone to the sound of his leg snapping. That’s… in pretty bad taste, really. [NFC: Odd, since Steiner is known for his tasteful actions & words]
This show is taking place from North Carolina, which bred the Hardy’s so it seems like a pretty awful place. However, Ric Flair’s from there so it kinda evens it out… well almost, anyway. Flair comes out to a lot of wooing. He’s with Steiner’s friends but Steiner’s not with him No incoherent promo? [NFC: What?] Some mark brought a sign, “Goldberg fears Buff.” I really, really hope that’s a plant. Anyway, Bagwell brings it into the ring with him and shows it off. Flair starts going off about how Steiner, Road Warrior, Luger, and Bagwell are the best team ever. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? YOU WERE EVERY INCARNATION OF THE 4 HORSEMEN EVER!!!! You were also in Evolution (though that hasn’t happened yet, so it’s somewhat excusable), what drugs do you have to be on to think that a team of such sad asses are the greatest assembly of wrestlers ever? [NFC: My guess is that there are bookers who tell him to say these things, and that he doesn’t really believe it] Are you kidding me? Flair fucks with the fans by making fun of Goldberg and Sid. Flair says because they were both injured he needs to find a new #1 Contender for Superbrawl… and then announces Alex Wright. YES!!!!!! I wish they would do random shit like that on Raw now. It’s just so hilarious random.
Anyway, Alex Wright comes out but NO ONE GETS OVER WHEN NASH IS AROUND and Nash comes out. Wright punches him in the face, and is kinda in the right to, but Nash punches Wright and powerbombs him through the stage in a pretty cool spot. Flair’s furious. Nash than says he’s the number one contender even though he has absolutely no official power. Flair tells Nash he’ll never wrestle Steiner as long as he’s GM. If only we never had to sit through another Nash/Steiner match. But WCW is so sad at this point that they have nobody else to push up to that spot. Miller comes out in almost the exact same spot as last night and says he already booked the match for Superbrawl, Nash/Steiner. Flair makes a 1# contender match between Nash/Bagwell, and makes the Special Referee Luger. But to make things even more complicated Ernest books Luger in a match with Page. And whoever wins between Page/Luger is the special Ref for the main event tonight. Flair says that if Nash or Bagwell interfere in the match they’ll forfeit the main event tonight. Nash does his usual over dramatic shit saying he’s going to drive a stake through Flair’s heart. Kevin Nash is Blade, and he teams up with The Punisher to fight Dracula. Frank thinks Blade is a bit weird because he’s not black anymore, and he has a striking resemblance to a Russian he killed back in 04, but they’ll get over that and work together, I’m sure.
1st Match: Mike Modest (who in the fuck) vs CHRISTOPHER DANIELS
[NFC: Mike Modest was a guy who was a big shot in the independants back in the day. I don’t know if you ever saw Beyond The Mat, but he actually got a try-out for the WWE during filming] HOLY FUCK!!!! I did not expect Daniels to randomly show up on 2001 Nitro! [NFC: AJ Styles shows up soon too] Flip flop sequence and Daniels with some punches, but Mike does a nice arm dragon screw. Daniels tries doing a moonsault off the top rope but totally botches it in a pretty funny spot. Mike does a sick fallaway slam dropping Daniels right on his head! Mike then plants Daniels with a pretty stiff clothesline. Mike is actually impressing me here, he kinda reminds me of Benoit, as he’s really stiff and seems to have good technical skill. Mike brings Daniels to the outside, but Daniels runs back inside and hits a baseball slide, and then a frogsplash off the top! Some sick spots here but the crowd is DEAD. It’s almost like this match is too ahead of its time for fans to accept it, because it’s very TNA X-Division 2005-06 style. Daniels with that moonsault from the top rope for a two. Daniels brings Mike to the top and literally just throws Mike over his shoulder for two! Daniels goes up top, and Mike catches him with his legs upside down and throws Daniels off the top!!! HOLY FUCK THIS MATCH IS WAY TOO ADVANCED FOR 2001!!!! Mike misses something off the top, and Daniels hits the BME for… two. Mike kinda no sells and hits a chokeslam for two. Mike then wraps Daniels up and hits a kind of reverse brain buster for two as Daniels gets his feet on the rope. Mike goes for it again but Daniels reverses into the a Butterfly Suplex for two.
They start exchanging chops and then a criss cross, and they crash into each other sending both of them to the outside. And just in the middle of a great match, Scott Steiner comes out to ruin everything.
Are you fucking kidding me? Really? In the middle of this super advanced, awesome fast paced match Scott Steiner comes out to beat up both guys for literally no reason. Such bullshit. Steiner suplexes both guys and cuts some dumbass promo about how he broke Sid’s leg through magic power or something.
3.5/5.0 Really advanced well done, X-Division style match. Admittedly, there wasn’t much of a story beyond two guys who are really good at wrestling, wrestling each other but the stuff they were pulling out was so ahead of its own time, so fast and lucid, and it was weird to see Christopher Daniels in such a compromising role. Also, with Steiner attacking Daniels, it’s bringing back really bad memories of 2007 TNA.
Kwee Wee comes out and sends out an open challenge, because people have been questioning his man hood. Maybe the spiky Yugioh hair and pink trunks weren’t the best idea. Kee Wee beats up some security guard to prove how hard he is.[NFC: How funny, considering you dress up like a security guard, dance around and show your friends how ‘hard’ you are]
2nd Match: Lance Storm vs Konnan
Oh my God, I want to see Lance Storm vs Christopher Daniels now. That match would kick so much ass. Lance Storm starts talking about how Canada wins all their wars [NFC: Did he forget about the war of 1812?], and the commentators start asking if Canada’s ever been in a war. Then Konnan comes out and says Canada has never been in a war. I do a brief Google search, and learn that Canada has been involved in every major war since 1812. Fucking idiots, I swear….
Konnan throws Storm around and Storm has to play rag doll like usual. This goes on for like a two minutes and then Storm gets the half crab out of nowhere for the win.
Shane Douglas talks to Bagwell and Luger, and he wants to join Team Flair. Bagwell and Luger tell Shane to take out Flair, [NFC: Huh? Was that a typo? Or, to join Team Flair you gotta beat up Flair?] and Shane’s happy to oblige. Erection and Jericho Rip Off cut some really boring, weird promo. Rection tears off his shirt and says that he’s changed back to Hugh Morrus, and does really lame, forced crazy laughing. Oooh, so exciting……
3rd Match: Lex Luger vs Page
Luger’s in good shape but he just looks too damn old to be wrestling in 2000. He’s like that sad old guy you see at the store, and sure he’s buff but he’s probably going to die soon and probably has a really boring life. Oh wait, I think I just described Caliber HAHAHAHAHAHA [NFC: Well, at least someone laughed at that joke]
Lock up and Page goes to a Arm-BAR but Luger gets the ropes. Page with punches in bunches and sends Luger to the outside. Luger spends a long time stalling outside. Luger’s just so damn big and old, it’s like he can barely move around. Its especially sad if you watch his 80s stuff, he had some great matches with Flair and was actually pretty damn quick. Luger goes to the power game, and hits Page with a backdrop suplex. Luger with some axehandles, and then some really slow padding in between were he just kinda walks around and yells a lot. Luger really was limited here, and he shouldn’t even have been wrestling. This whole things going to have to be carried by Page’s timing and story-telling, which is usually great. Page tries coming back but runs into a big boot and clothesline, ensuring we get more of Luger’s super slow, boring “beat-down.” God, this Cig tastes good. Page jumps back up, and crotches Luger on the turnbuckle. Page back inside and he rams Luger’s face into the corner.
Page off the top with a pretty nice clothesline, and its Diamond Cutter time. Luger low blows the Ref, Jarrett comes in and hits Page with a guitar, and Luger gets the rack for the win.
3.0/5.0 Luger was slow as fuck but the story and pacing was pretty well done, and it really did appear Page was going to win until Jarrett came out. Pretty decent story with both guys coming out looking strong. BTW this match decided who was going to be the special guest Referee between Nash/Bagwell later tonight.
4th Match: Mamalukes vs The Natural Born Thrillers
Sean Stasiak brings Johnny into the corner with some punches but Johnny comes back with a nice spin kick. Vito in and they do a nice double powerbomb. Mark Jindrak gets in some more double trouble stuff from the Mamalukes, but is able to tag Sean back in. Vito with a powerslam for two. The Mamalukes are looking pretty good in this match, being really lucid and fast paced, but the problem is the match is WAY too fast paced, and its making the moves mean nothing. You need some time to breathe in between the moves, otherwise it’s just a bunch of weird shit. Jindrak and Vito do a cute holding hands spot…. And a “hot” tag to Johnny. Jesus, my play by play for this match is pretty lazy but there’s just so much shit happening that there’s no way I could type it out unless I was on speed. Basically, after some more spotty stuff, one man from each team pins a person from the other team, and the Ref is too confused to know what to do, and the other Natural Born Thrillers come out to the ring to bully the Ref. So the Ref DQ’s the Thriller’s and gives the Mamalukes the match.
DUD Match was way too fast paced, and felt like a 20 minute match condensed into five minutes. Just a bunch of spotty shit, with no story.
5th Match: Shane Douglas vs Ernest Miller© for the Commissioner Ship NO DQ
Y’know, this show hasn’t been bad but it’s been so average and boring I just can’t invest any interest in it. It’s like, last week’s Nitro was late 90s Raw, and this Nitro is more like current Raw. Average matches, and nothing exciting happening what so ever. Miller comes out and books a match between Jarrett and DDP at Superbrawl. Flair comes on the screen and says that this match is for the Commissioner Ship.[NFC: Like, the SS Commissioner?] FUCK YEAH!!! Douglas would make a great Commissioner. Oh, and he makes it DQ after Shane hits Miller with a mic!
Shane puts in a really nice reverse crossface that Ernest doesn’t tap out to. Ernest tries doing his stupid Hulk Up shit but Douglas cuts him off with punches. Douglas tries going off the top but Miller catches him with a press slam. Miller with the ten punches…. And dammit, it looks like Miller’s going to win this. Miller with a backdrop for two. Then we do that stupid roll up spot that’s in every Miller match. Sanders comes out and Miller takes him out. Jindrak comes out to attack Miller, but Rick Steiner takes him out, and then beats up Shane, and Miller pins Shane for the win. So fucking lame.
DUD Match was just really disjointed, seemed rushed, and couldn’t really get going due to the interference. I also hate that Miller’s still the commish.
6th Match: Chavo Gurrerro vs A-Wall and More-Erection and Lash Jericho
Anyway, Lash hits Chavo with a dropkick, and I have to say, Lash is looking pretty flabby here. He really needs to work that off, he’s looking worse than Edge circa 2010. Chavo trips Lash up, and chokes him out in the corner. Chavo goes for the Razor’s Edge but Lash gets out, and goes into a roll up for two. Chavo with a headbutt and he goes to the top, and hits a SICK dropkick from the top for two as Hugh Morrus breaks it up. Morrus and Wall fight it out on the outside, and Chavo gets a roll up on Lash for the win.
2.5/5.0 Decent but boring. Chavo and Lash were in there most of the time so it was alright but too short and uninteresting to be anything.
Main Event: Buff Bagwell vs Kevin Nash for the 1# Contender Shot for the WHC Lex Luger is Special Guest Referee Added Stipulation: Your name has to be Nash to win.
Has anyone ever actually listened to Bagwell’s theme song and heard how ridiculous it is? Anyway, this match result is really, really obvious. Steiner’s a heel, Bagwell is a heel, Nash is a face. There’s no way they’re going to have a double heel match at Super Brawl. So it’s definitely Nash winning. I could be wrong, but I really doubt it. As that annoying bitch River Swan said, “Spoilaaaaaaaaaahhhhhs.”
Nash with punches in bunches to Bagwell. Nash chokes Bagwell out, and some knees in the corner. Yawn. God, I just thought of something. How fucking stupid was it when Shawn Michaels joined the NWO? Anyway, Bagwell runs around outside, and Nash goes to follow him, and Nash goes over the ropes per usual, but Luger holds Nash’s leg and Bagwell crotches Nash. Never seen that spot before, pretty cool actually. Bagwell goes up with the ten punches and a snapmare into a chinlock. Nothing says excitement quite like a chinlock. I will say there is one positive though, Luger is wearing the coolest leather Referee pants I’ve ever seen. Nash… Nash Ups and hits a sidewalk slam for a really slow two count from Luger. Nash with snake eyes and a big boot… and he has the match won but Luger pretends that Bagwell kicked out. Nash has had enough so Luger kicks Nash in the balls, and Bagwell covers for a fast two count from Luger. There’s a pretty cute spot were Luger grabs a chair from Bagwell, telling him he can’t use it, while holding it right on Nash’s head and Bagwell dropkicks his head. Page comes down to the ring and ko’s Luger with the Cutter. Nash hits the powerbomb, and uses Luger’s hand to count the pin for the win.
2.0/5.0 Okay match, but Nash was just so damn slow. The stuff with Bagwell and Luger was actually pretty cool though, I liked them doing different stuff with the crooked Referee and Luger actually did a pretty good job in that role. Other than that, and the suspense of how Nash was going to win the match, the match itself was pretty bleh, and made Bagwell look pretty weak.
Final Thoughts: Just an average show, pretty dull really. Everything on the show was either boring filler or really obvious, excluding that first opening match which was fucking awesome but ruined by Frankenstein. I’m honestly not sure what’s a worse offender, if a show’s so bad it’s hard to sit through but still interesting, or a show that’s average content but isn’t interesting at all to watch. Obviously reviews come out better on shows or movies that are so awful they’re interesting, but I’m not quite sure which is actually more fun to sit through, or review.
Anyway, I gotta go eat chicken wings, so ‘till next time stay safe and have fun. And whatever you do, stay away from that new Hunger Games movie.[NFC: But don’t stay away from Nightcrawler, it’s a fantastic film, and I think Jake deserves at least a nom, if not the statue for his performance. He’s f’ning awesome. Also, for all of those that have been missing me, I make my grand return to reviewing next week, so make sure you tune in: same Warrior time, same Warrior channel.]