12 Reasons Why Die Hard Is The Best Christmas Film Ever

Die Hard is the greatest Christmas film of all time. Here we’re going to talk about the 12 reasons why in fact this is the greatest holiday movie ever.

12 – John McClane Smokes
Other than shooting terrorists and taping weapons to one’s self, what’s the manliest thing you can do? That’s right; smoking. They’re costly, they annoy people, they smell, they burn things, and they’re dangerous. Every time a man quits smoking, an angel loses its wings and goes to hell.

11 – Ellis
If anyone really needs explanation as to why Ellis is on the list, I need only say “HANS! BOOBY!”. He’s coked out, and trying to bang your wife.  Not to mention he’s probably got the best beard on the entire west coast.

10 – Welcome To The Party, Pal
When you want someones attention, you probably call, or text them like a bitch. When John McClane wants someone’s attention, he throws a dead body at them. So while you’re spending $40 a month on a cell-phone plan like a sucker, McClane is saving mega bucks by hucking dead terrorists to get a fine females attention.

9 – Bill Clay
He’s just a guy who was separated from the party an–TADOW, BITCH. It’s secretly Hans Gruber! You name me one other villain in the history of film who could talk about industrialization and men’s fashions all day and then you can omit  Hans from the list. What’s that? You can’t? Because Hans Gruber fucking rocks? I need to start implementing his system of shooting those who don’t give me what I want by the count of 3. Hey, you, I want a beej in 1…*attaches silencer* 2…*points it*…..

8 – Monitor Bomb
As far as John McClane is concerned, technology peaked with frozen pizza. So, to him a computer monitor isn’t for nerd activities like nerding around and talking to nerds. It’s for blowing up terrorists. Honestly, he’s so burly and able to chuck stuff that he really didn’t even need the C4 with the monitor. Hell, he could have tossed a bowling ball down the shaft and it would have exploded.

7 – Ho-Ho-Ho,  Now I Have A Machine Gun
A lot of guys in this position would probably try and keep hidden, but that’s because they’re sissies. John McClane is all about letting the bad guys know that not only is he here, but he’s beating them without mercy. There’s probably deleted scenes of him tying up another terrorist so he can talk to him and say stuff like “So, I was like *mimics defense movements* this,  and then went BOOM, POW KA-CHA! and then bangbangbang and man, it was awesome”.

6 – And The Quarter Back Is Toast
You know what rocks? Urban assault vehicles that cops mob around in and ruin shit like in Twisted Metal. You know what else rocks? Rocket launchers. I mean, a bazooka has been the symbol of manliness since before the penis. So when you’ve got one Urban Assault Vehicle getting blown to shit with a rocket launcher, well, you’ve got reason number 6.

5 – Argyle
He may not look like an ass-kicker, but what he doesn’t look like he makes up for in partying in the back of a limo, punching random people, and bombing into active crime scenes with said limo. Plus he listens to RUN-DMC.

4 – Wife Beater Going From White To Black
Most guys these days are complete sissies and care about dirt, grime, and blood. Hell, they’d probably take a break mid-terrorist fight to do a wash. But John? His tank-top starts off white, and after sweating & bleeding for half a second it’s BLACK. John McClane could fight terrorists made out of laundry detergent in a washing machine store and his shit would still be black.

3 – Tape  A Weapon To Self
You’ve got two guns, one with a nice amount of ammo, the other with two bullets. However, the no good-knicks have your wife, so what do you do? Well, what most guys would probably do  is not only surrender, but also offer to get Hans a cup of coffee and perhaps throw in an HJ. But McClane? Well, he’s proba—BOOM! That’s how it works. One of the most brilliant moves ever in film. I have so much back hair that if I tried that, I’d have given myself a front flip [Yes, I used that joke in my book The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol.1.]

2 – Rooftop Blowing Up
When you see a fire-hose, what do you see? Exactly, and that’s why you’re dead. When McClane sees a fire-hose, he sees it as a way to escape an ENTIRE ROOF blowing the  hell apart. Most people kill themselves simply lighting a match. John is such a man that he could parachute with just a bag of concrete mix.

1 – Boobies
When I think Christmas, I think of what the whole season was founded on; rockin’ boobies. Of course I’m an ass-man, but I’d never kick a pair of boobs out of bed. Unless they were a bummer pair or something. I’m getting off track. We get some boobage in the beginning when peeps are doing it on the desk, and then later with the centerfolds posted up stairs.
Just to remind us that boobs are the coolest, and help to make Die Hard the greatest Christmas movie ever.

Now for those that need more action-movie in the written form, simply find the link to your right that’ll take you right to my book on amazon. Constant 5 star ratings, endorsed by Scott Keith, and Maddox.

~ by Caliber Winfield on December 29, 2012.