Saved By The Bell Archives – Drinking & Driving
This is during the Tori era, clearly the most heterosexual of the whole group.
Lisa is politicking to become Homecoming Queen, while Slater has been put in charge of the Party Planning Committee. Tori makes mention that his group is a bunch of animals, and they should have a toga party. Naturally, the guys all chant toga because that’s hip.
At the party, Zack mobs around in a toga, causing women in the audience to explode. Hell, even I cheered. Look at those dime sized nipples. Tori is wearing a toga with her leather jacket on the outside, in case anyone doubted the fact she watched Cagney & Lacey. Soon, a group of guys arrive with….*gasp*…BEER. There’s about, from what I can see, 30 people in the room, and they made sure to bring a cool 12 pack or so. Foolishly, they feel that “just one beer” isn’t going to cause them any problems. Oh, the folly of man. Soon, we see just what beer does to a party as everyone is asleep. This is just like real high-school, too, because Zack sure as hell wouldn’t have been getting his date rape on, and Slater wouldn’t be emerging from God knows where, covered in mud with a story about fighting someone.
They need to get home, and Zack says he’s more than capable of driving, so Lisa, who has her mom’s Benz since the ‘rents are out of town, allows Zack to drive. Of course he isn’t OK to drive! HE HAD A BEER! His blood alcohol is probably 2.0! As they’re bombing down the road, they start rockin’ out to Wild Thing. Do you see what happens when you have ONE beer? You’re an uncontrollable party monster. Can you imagine if Zack had two? I can pretty much guarantee he would have turned into a werewolf and started surfing on the hood of the Benz. Instead, they end up crashing Lisa’s mom’s car into a pole, and having it towed back to Zack’s. They scan the situation, and get the idea to have Slater fix the car. Just then, Zack’s nosey-ass dad comes out with his beard, slippers and robe. He’s unable to tell they’re lying, because obviously he wouldn’t smell the booze, and of course they’re dressed in togas. So, after hearing the story about the dog running into the road, he says he’s gonna call Lisa’s mom and let her know they’re OK. Quickly, Zack has Lisa call the house and pretend to be her mom, buying them a little time.
The next morning, they are finally paying for their crimes, as they’re all HUNG-OVER. Can you imagine if they’d had two beers? They probably would have died in the same fashion as the guy who chose poorly when trying to drink from The Holy Grail. Anyway, turns out they need a cool $1,000 to fix the car, and Zack comes up with a plan to have them sell messages on Slater’s football jersey for the big game. Naturally, he cons the nerds into declaring their love for other nerd girls. Of course, it’s all for naught, as Slater has hurt his shoulder and won’t be able to play. Alcohol ruins yet ANOTHER dream! Can you imagine if he’d had two beers? It would have ruined the dreams of at least the next six football captains, and I’m sure there would have been a bit of nipple cancer, too.
At the pep rally, we see that Lisa’s mom has come home early, and oh snaps. Thankfully though, the car is fixed. However, the people who gave them money for the messages want it back. Zack doesn’t have it, so they go repo and one of the nerds takes his phone. Can you imagine if he’d had two beers? They probably would have taken Zack’s house. Speaking of which, they go to Casa Del Morris to get the car, but once they get there, it won’t start. So, just as they’re about to leave, Zack’s dad comes nosing around again like he’s freaking Vic Mackey, and they all end up confessing. Lisa can’t go to Homecoming, Slater has to tell his father, and Zack ends up grounded for a few weeks and loses his car. Can you imagine if they’d each had two beers? I can’t say for sure what their punishments would have been then, but I can just about guarantee it’d involve the word “rape”.
Another classic episode in which the gang of Saved By The Bell tries to steer me down the rightful path in life. Once the series was concluded, I knew the evils of booze, pot, and worst of all; caffeine pills.