Happy Festivus – Top 5 Christmas Movies

Happy Festivus, kids. If you don’t know what Festivus is, then know yourself to be a failure. Allow me to explain;

As Frank Costanza was raining blows upon a woman he didn’t know who was trying to get the last toy on the shelf, he thought to himself; “There MUST! be another way!”. So from that, Festivus was born.

It takes place on the 23rd. There is no tree. Simply an aluminum pole. Before dinner, you have theAiring of Grievousness. That’s where you tell all your loved ones how they have disappointed you through out the year. Then, after wards, you have the Feat of Strength. I believe it to be Father vs. Son. However, you can mix it up however you want. Festivus doesn’t end, until the champion is pinned. There can be gifts, if you’d like.

So, in honor of this great holiday, I’m going to give you kids the Top 5 Greatest Christmas Movies. Ready to dig it? Dig it.

Ernest Saves Christmas [1988]

I loved Ernest as a kid. Didn’t everyone? Honestly, a lot of people don’t think it’s cool to find him funny, but I think his brand of humor and character acting was really revolutionary. Along the lines of Pee-Wee Herman, I’d say. Even today I can still enjoy his films, be it from nostolgia, or the fact they’re just flat out entertaining.
The best part, is when one of the guys working on the movie describes the plot. It’s a movie called Santa’s Slay. Santa goes about, killing folks. Well, the real Santa wasn’t having this, and stomped some vans deferens. Ho ho ho, little would he know that after Goldberg quit wrestling because it wasn’t appropriate for the kids [despite it being at it’s worst when he signed on], he’d go on to make that exact movie. Which, actually, is a bad-ass movie in one of those so-ass-it-rocks kinda deals. And I tells ya, I tells ya, Mr. Goldberg acts just as well as he wrestles.

If you don’t know the plot of Ernest Saves Christmas, I’ll fill you in. Santa’s time is up. He was indited on drug trafficking, drug use, and hookers. Lots and lots of hookers. He probably would have never been caught, but Mrs. Clause dropped an 8-ball in the snow, and Santa got so pissed he gave her a pile-driver. Needless to say, domestic abuse call….actually, I think I’m confusing that with an episode of Silk Stalkings.

Santa’s time as the big man is up, so he has to find a new one to replace him. Ernest is totally down to help, and so they do. Meanwhile, they come across this Punky Brewster type chick. She’s a run-away and all that jazz, so they offer her a ride and a place to sleep. All the while, we gotta make people believe this Santa dude is on the up and up, and get this actor to pony up. Will it all pan out? Will Christmas be saved? Will Ernest snag a statutory bust? Tune in to find out!

3 ‘Know What I Mean, Vern?!’s out of 5

Batman Returns [1992]

Yeah, I know it’s a cop out to have this when I just used it in my kick-ass Batman list. But, dammit, Gotham City during the winter is just too gorgeous to pass up. Plus, getting to see a baby Penguin eat a cat in front of a Christmas Tree while Paul Reubens’ looks on with a bad-assed monocle is easily worth a quick second listing.

4 and a half  “getting to see a baby Penguin eat a cat in front of a Christmas Tree while Paul Reubens’ looks on with a bad-assed monocle” out of 5

Gremlins [1984]

I’m pretty sure that no movie in the history of cinema has had the ability to fit in as many genres as Gremlins. You could label it a comedy, horror, action, sci-fi, and hell, even family. Honestly, that’s where you find it most of the time you go to rent or buy it.

I’ve been watching this since I was a child, and man, it grabs my sack and gives it a Stone Cold Stunner every time. Gizmo is cool and all, but, c’mon, Stripe? The dude has a bitching mowhawk, and gets to play the tiny arcade machine.

OK, seriously, why was this made? Who on Earth could play it? Did you break out the tweezers for minutes of dick? Cripes all Friday, man.

You get some cool assholes that you’re just waiting to get bombed on by the Gremlins. Oh, and they got bombed, son. All these nerds, just hanging around, nerding up the joint. Probably not watching porn, or not eating a ton of meat to piss of vegetarians who wear leather belts and shoes, and that just won’t sit with the Gremlins, man. So, they get drunk as all hell and shoot each other, hang on ceiling fans, flash hot-as-shit Phoebe Cates despite the fact they have no junk. Goddamn, how manly are the Germlins? What’s next, are they gonna start growing plaid skin and karate chop down trees in Environmentally Protected Areas? The only thing cooler than the Gremlins, is probably Billy’s [the main character] mom. She’s fucking Rambo in the kitchen, son. We got two of the coolest on screen deaths of all time in this scene alone. I don’t even need to explain it, just peep the ownage, son.

We use to talk about the microwave death all the time at school, and who would be cool to throw in there. There was always the great debate regarding whether or not Jason Voorhees could be killed by being stuffed in a microwave. I said no. Others said yes. These days those idiots are expecting their asbestosis  installing business to break outta the slump it’s been in.

The crazy thing is, I like the sequel even more.

If you haven’t seen Gremlins yet, then you’re obviously a woman who goes to McDonalds and orders a full meal with diet coke. You deserve a microwave death. Or, getting run over by Gremlins when they’re mobbing in a tractor.

4.5 Old Ladies Getting Blasted All To Fuck Out Of Her Window On Her Motorized Stair Climber Thingy out of 5

Die Hard 2: Die Harder [1990]

John McClane: Oh man, I can’t fucking believe this. Another basement, another elevator. How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice?

John McClane is THEE, I repeat THEE biggest bad-ass of all time. I refuse to hear any arguments other-wise. He’s hung over most of the time, pissed off, and un-shaven. People are always trying to kill him, he’s always having to kill people, and he’s got some of the best one-liners in the business. The Die Hard series is so manly, the first time I watched I watched one, my eyes grew hair. No joke.

Die Hard 2 takes place at an airport, as it would be, some no goodknicks have come around to really fuck with John McClane’s Christmas. Which is fine, because he’s got a few extra presents to hand out. Bullet presents. Motherfucker. Terrorists take over the joint, and John isn’t digging this. They might accidentally blow up the bar.

A lot of guys who think they’re manly would just use a gun, or something. Pssh. How about an icicle to the eye? I got so excited when I saw that I pistol-whipped the lady sitting next to me. I was going to do it anyway, but it was nice to be able to do it early. I had a feeling she liked reality TV.

Die Hard 2 is the second movie to feature a guy playing a cop, who later went on to play a cop on a very popular TV show. Denniz Franz of NYPD Blue fame, dig it.

5 Using An Ejector Seat To Avoid A Shit Ton Of Grenades out of 5

If you need to even wonder what number 1 is, please cancel your ISP, and your groin.

Die Hard [1988]

The Holy Grail of manliness.

I’ll save my big review for The Encyclopedia of Man-Movies entry.

He walks barefoot on broken glass, his wife-beater turns black, and he blows up motherfuckers with a computer monitor and C4. If you need anything more in a Christmas movie, kill yourself. Oh, also kill yourself if you watch The E! channel for anything other than The Soup & THS. Oh, and if you watch Family Guy.

Man, you know John McClane is so manly, he doesn’t need viagra, but takes it anyways. Just so he can get one of those boners that last longer than 4 hours, and NOT call a doctor or anything stupid. He knows, like any man, a 4 hour boner is a blessing. The number of things you could do with the invincea-boner; assault, construction, destruction, drawing, destruction, assault, lawn mowing. Man, the list is endless.

Die Hard is the best Christmas movie ever.

Like I even need to put a rating.

~ by Caliber Winfield on December 23, 2009.