Top 5 Freddy Krueger Kills

It’s a stone’s throw away, motherfuckers. We’ve had a good run of remakes in the last decade. From Dawn of the Dead, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, to Halloween  and most recently, Friday The 13th. People generally frown at remakes, but I believe there’s a place for them, and in some cases, they can trump the originals.

A Nightmare on Elm Street is a sure fire classic, a top 10 all time greatest in pretty much anyone’s book, so it was only a matter of time before it was game time in the remake department. Things are looking up for it, and my only gripe is they used CG for the whole ‘Freddy coming through the wall’ scene. It looks like crap, and the original that was done with just spandex is way cooler.

A Nightmare On Elm Street is beloved by all for plenty of reasons, the main 3 being Freddy himself, his dark humor, and of course, the clever kills. So, here today we’re going to honor Freddy’s greatest works. Let’s get it crunk, kiddies.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
5. “The Roach Motel”

I remember in my youth when we’d go to the video store, after I was done looking at the ninja/martial arts videos, I’d saunter on over to the horror section. The Nightmare on Elm Street’s were the ones I always looked at, because I wasn’t allowed to watch’em. The image that has always stuck out, was that of a girl lifting weights, and her skin splitting, revealing flys legs underneath.

So, when I finally saw it, it was a moving experience.

As it is, this girl is a super tough bitch who works out a lot, and hates bugs. Welp, as she’s pumping iron, in order to deal with Freddy, she doses off. Freddy then gets his Dream Demon on, and turns her into a fly…or roach, or whatever, and encases her in a roach motel until he crushes it.

If you ask me, he should have first spotted her, while he had a boner. That’d be so rad. Man…I wonder what Freddy’s cock looks like. You know when you over-cook a hot dog? I bet it looks like that. With a fedora.

A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors
4. “Surround Sound”

Dream Warriors, one of the strongest in the series, features a sweet array of death. My favorite, and one of his more famous, is the murder of the wanna-be TV star. She was sitting there, probably watching some crappy reality TV [I don’t care if it’s 1987, it’s my article], and Freddy probably wanted to watch some bad-ass straight-to-video movie that has a bunch of boobies, and killing, and awesome stuff. So, what do you do? Do you ask for the remote? Do you compromise? Or do you smash the other person’s head into a TV and then get pissed at her for ruining the TV? Yup, it’s number 3.

Robert England is actually responsible for the famous phrase, ‘Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!’. As it was originally “This is it, Jennifer, your big break!”. However, peeps felt it just wasn’t enough. So, Robbie came up with his phrase, and they decided to mix it together.

A Nightmare on Elm Street
3. “Glen’s Crotch Is Made of Iron”

You know, before we get to speaking on the awesome death, we need to put the spotlight on something else.

Glen’s crotch.

Look at that! He’s got a fucking TV sitting on his junk! That thing has to weight at least 15lbs or so, and he’s got it stone cold sitting on his unit. That’s absolutely incredible. How it is no one has paid attention to this before is beyond me. I’ll bet his boner is like a baseball bat. Man, you rock, Glen.

Anyways, despite the fact he’s listening to the radio, and watching TV, he falls asleep. Oh, and he has a TV on his sack and still falls asleep. I’m surprised Freddy didn’t come into his dream and just stop cold, shocked to his core. If I was Freddy, I would. I’d start taking photos and shit to show people. Then I’d wake the kid up and point to the TV and ask him

“How, man?! How?!”

Anyways, Freddy comes up and rips Glen into the bed, and in return we get an inhuman amount of blood, which is fucking awesome. People complain, and say the human body doesn’t contain that much blood. Really? A Dream Demon rips a guy into his bed, after the sleeping guy has a 235lb object on his penis and the amount of blood is just too unrealistic for you?

You’re the man, Glen. Or, the puddle. Whatever, your crotch is awesome.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors
2. “Pull da strings! PULL DA STRANGS!”

Although it doesn’t make number one, I think this is easily Freddy’s most cruelest death.

This kid is into the art of marionette. You know, the old school puppets with strings. Well, in a short and simple manner, Freddy rips out the kids tendons and uses them, ala marionette, to plunge the kid to his death.

Man, wouldn’t it suck if you had a tendon in your penis?

A Nightmare on Elm Street
1. “From the window, to the walls…”

I give number one to Freddy’s first actual on screen kill. Everything about it is great, both pre, and post kill. The whole chase/fight scene between Tina & Freddy is one of the most memorable scenes in horror, and the fact that her boyfriend is framed and ends up dead in jail because of it is a great domino effect.

The death itself is awesome. Rod wakes up to Tina thrashing like crazy, then we see the sheets just ripped off, as 4 slashes appear on Tina’s chest and she’s drug up the walls, and across the ceiling until being dropped into a pool of her own blood.

There may have been more inventive, or cooler kills, but this set up the franchise, and gave us something we’d never seen before. It was quite incredible, as well as remarkable for 1984, and let us know that with Freddy, truly anything could happen.


~ by Caliber Winfield on April 20, 2010.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: