The Only Review of 3 From Hell That You’ll Ever Need

Man, why couldn’t it just have been 1 From Hell and was all about Sheriff Wydell?

It’s 2003, and my boys decide to drive 30 miles to see a movie called House of 1000 Corpses. I can’t remember for the life of me how we even knew about it. I was a horror fan, but didn’t know shit about Rob Zombie. None of my friends did. So, off we went. We got there late, but arrived as the opening credits started, so we thought we were right on time. We didn’t know we’d missed the beginning.
It was a blast, because the Seattle crowd was rukus. When the mom came on screen, someone yelled “STIFFLER’S MOM!” and the crowd chanted “MILF!MILF!MILF!”. I’d never seen anything like that in a theater. It was great.
Everyone was blown away. It was such a fucked up movie, that my friends and I couldn’t get enough. We loved it. I bought it the day it hit DVD, and we had a rule that if anyone went on a first date, they had to make the girl watch the movie, because it was just so fucked up, and if she enjoyed it, she was a keeper. I think there might have been one keeper from all that, heh.

Then Devil’s Rejects happened, so I naturally saw that in theaters too. It’s a far and a way better film. The acting is spot on, the characters are all great, and, needless to say, but Sheriff Wydell is one of the biggest bad-asses ever, and someone I could watch read from the phone book. I knew Zombie couldn’t do better than that.

When I heard about a sequel, this was one of the few times I thought “Don’t. It’s not needed. That shit was sealed up tighter than a drum. I’ve seen all I need to see of the family, don’t need anymore, and things were just wrapped up so damn well.

Nevertheless, we got 3 From Hell. Which, and this should have told Rob right there not to do it, the film was suppose to be about Captain Spaulding, Otis, and Baby. However, Sid Haig as we know now, fell ill very quickly. So, due to the fact he wouldn’t be able to film, outside of a quick scene, Zombie had to re-write the film to take him out and include a new character. Well, OK, so it’s no longer the 3 From Hell, so why the hell are we calling it that?! Why even bother making it.

That all said, 3 From Hell, well, I wasn’t a fan. Instead of Spaulding, we get The Midnight Wolfman, as he’s called by the news people, why, we don’t know. How he got it, what he’s done, where he’s been, none of it is ever said. He’s literally parachuted into the movie out of no where, and that’s it. While I have no beef with the actor, he’s perfectly fine, but the character is boring, bland, and doesn’t even come close to the charisma of Spaulding. The budget must have not been much, because all the practical effects look pretty weak, and there’s a SHIT TON of digital effects that are very noticeable. Beyond that, there’s a few scenes that are so out of the realm of reality they belong in a Fast & Furious movie. For those who’ve seen it, I’m referring to what the Warden’s mission was and who he had to get. Yeah, no, in no world would that happen. It just seemed like such lazy writing.
The movie just dragged, I didn’t care about any characters, the ending with the dude’s in masks was so stupid and so laughable. Also, Baby is basically insane at this point, which you think is a front, but nope, she’s nuts, and REALLY annoying. For the first half, I dreaded her being on screen because of how obnoxious she was.

I like Rob, I like all the actors, but this movie just didn’t work for me at all.

I miss Sheriff Wydell so much.

~ by Caliber Winfield on October 7, 2019.